Dailies

Of course my dad is building his own coffin, my kids are reminding me of my sibling relationship and more from the road

7.19

Sat across from my Dad in his home in OK. I haven’t seen him in person since Thanksgiving 2021. When I asked him what he was up to he told me he was getting ready to build his coffin.

I won’t start until the fall. When the weather is cooler, I can be outside. Right now I’m just getting the supplies together.

I asked him what kind of wood he was thinking of using. I’d like it white he said, but I’m not pure. So a light wood.

What about Maple or Birch? Yah, I like those. He went on, you’d be amazed at all the handles to choose from. Just beautiful.

Is it common for people to build their own coffins?

No, not really. The supplies are mostly for companies that specialize in making them. But it’s an easy project for me. Something to do. I’m looking forward to it.

I think most people would find these conversations strange or morbid.

My dad has been preparing himself and me (I imagine that means all of us around him) for his death for most of my life. I’ll never forget the morning we were out in the middle of nowhere to cut wood for the winter. Sitting in his truck, he was smoking a cigarette. I must have been 17 because I think I was smoking with him.

Ash, when I die, I want you to take my body from wherever they have me, put me in a wooden box and bury it in the woods.

I was amused in the way a teenager might be. Over the years it’s quickly gone from amusement to an awe combined with respect. He has done so much tidying up and simplifying his life. From material things to spiritual matters, to financial and familial, there will be very little left to resolve once he’s gone.

It’s almost as if he will leave behind a footprint as small as the one he came here with.

7.21

Woke up in Boulder, Co.

Before Faith and I even got out the door I found myself in the middle of a heated conversation between her and her brother. A conversation- why sugarcoat it- an argument that I’ve noticed has taken on many shapes over the years but now mostly resembles resentment.

I was at the table the night they kept coming back to. I remember sitting there, but I don’t recall everything I said or what was individually said between them; I only know that from where I sit today, it’s easy to see how one moment between two people can be broken a hundred different ways, breaking them down and apart in the process. The catalyst for this was a car accident that neither of them was in! It was her car and it was his ex-girlfriend so you can see the potential there. Like I said though, that part barely comes up. What they are missing - or fingers crossed, beginning to see- is that they are both hurt by the other for their reactions to the accident. One feels blamed and punished. The other feels looked over and bullied.

I can’t help but think of my own sibling relationship. The years we spent rehashing past events and feelings that created more things to argue about and be resentful over that created years of us being unable or unwilling to talk. Somewhere along the way the argument stopped shifting and began stacking on itself. It’s hard to place the beginning after all these years. I had hopes of seeing him while in CO. We texted back and forth saying we’d like to see one another but never solidified anything.

Despite our ‘best efforts’ I don’t want this for my kids and their relationship.

Finally got out for a run and got my ass kicked on the last mile. Turns out the hill we were running up is called “The Hill”. Couldn’t get Kate Bush’s Running Up That Hill out of my head.

7.23

Bestie came up to spend the day in Boulder with us!! This is like our 4th or 5th summer getting together. We thought since we were in Boulder we should watch a JonBenet Documentary (is that twisted??) Unfortunately, it triggered something in my brain and that night when Faith didn’t come to bed, I thought she was missing. I found myself walking on the street in a blanket to see if she and her friends were hanging out in their car…. About 5 minutes later I found her on the sofa. WTF.

7.24

Drove to NM to stay at Los Poblanos. Beautiful drive! I have lots of moments where I think about how lucky I am that my kids are fun/cool/interesting to hang out with but today was extra special. Faith is into Dave Matthews Band, Jack Johnson and willing to put up with my Grateful Dead obsession. We jammed (literally!) the entire drive. I think I want a flute… I haven’t played an instrument in decades but it was my first. Would it be like riding a bike? What if I became a FLAUTIST AND STARTED JAMMING?? All I know is that the first song I’m going to learn is Say Goodbye by Dave Matthews Band.

We still haven’t come up with a name for our annual road trip. I offered Grateful Dave today. Wasn’t received with the enthusiasm I was expecting. Maybe my kids aren’t as cool as I thought…

7.25

The AC in our room isn’t working and my hormones are. Woke up soaking wet… tried not to snap at the front desk when they asked if an air unit would work until they could get someone over here. Based on her paused response, I’d say my question back ‘how loud is that going to be?’ must have sounded snippy.

Got a massage that started with brushing my body then followed with pouring hot oil all over my limbs and scalp. I’ll never be the same. I’m not the same.

What AC?

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