East of Eden in West Texas

I was holding the steering wheel with my normal 10 and 2, staring at the wide open road in front of me & answered, out loud without hesitation, the experience I had reading East of Eden was betrayal.

A couple of years ago I was on a road trip with my daughter heading back from NM. We had decided to listen to George Saunders audible book, A Swim in a Pond in the Rain. My child fell asleep to the gentle cadence of his voice so I found myself alone with him and his inquiry while I drove through the desert of West Texas. 

And an inquiry it was. A Swim in a Pond in the Rain is an exercise of going through short Russian stories, however, Saunders mentions Steinbeck's Grape of Wrath. It’s a book I’ve never read but I did read East of Eden. A move I felt compelled to make as a young twenty something who didn’t go to college and was instead home with a baby. I guess in some way I wanted to feel like I was checking off an academic box aside from Home Ec.

Before getting into any Russian lit, Saunders briefly explains his discovery process that he takes his students through; he encourages his students to return to the experience they had after reading the story. 

“Was there a place you found particularly moving? Something you resisted or something that confused you. A moment when you find yourself tearing up, annoyed or thinking anew. Any lingering questions from the story? Any answer is acceptable.”

I was holding the steering wheel with my normal 10 and 2 positioning, staring at the wide open road in front of me and answered, out loud without hesitation, the experience I had when I finished reading East of Eden.

Betrayal. In fact, I vaguely remember the details of the story but I vividly remember this feeling when things didn’t work out in the end. There was no happy ending. There were these moments of everything coming together, it’s all happening. Then not. How could Steinbeck leave it like that? The money gained was lost. The love interests did not work out how I hoped. There was a falling out amongst family members - a silence and separation of time between them that never healed. 

It was depressing and my knee jerk reaction at the age of 21 years was, not me. Not my life. I made it this far and I’m only going up. Not down or back. I’ll have my happy ending.

I. Had. Made. It. 

I made the dangerous mistake of thinking things could only go up or stay the same. 

Here I was 21 years later, driving home from a road trip after visiting my mother whom I hadn’t seen in 12 years and lost to addiction. I had an estranged relationship with my brother. A child beside me whose father died when she was 4. A couple of decades behind me of failed businesses, foreclosures, probates and a bank account that didn’t quite reflect the race I felt I was running. Oh, and two divorces with the current status of single and agitated. 

I felt a healthy, humbling kick to my gut. Steinbeck clearly knew more about life than I did. It actually hurt a little to think about my younger self and her naive arrogance. 

It hurt more to think about all the twists and turns life had made, the harsh realities and unhappy endings some of the people I loved faced or were facing. 

That, that, is life. 

A few days ago I was enjoying a Sunday dinner with some new friends when someone asked me about my life. How I arrived in Austin and what my thoughts were on being a parent.  

I briefly explained that my children’s father had passed away when they were younger and I couldn’t see myself raising my kids on an island in the middle of the ocean. After sharing a few more details I said, I can honestly say at 44 years old, this is not how I thought my life would play out.

Everyone laughed and was in agreeance in respect to their own lives.

What I didn’t say was the life I imagined was enough money to retire at 40, but the passion and drive to want to work because ‘I loved it’. Married. A homeowner. Etc etc etc.

Those were the things my 20-something self believed created a successful happy and meaningful life. 

I’m none of those things. 

Beyond the plot that occurred in East of Eden was something even more true to life - something that since that drive two years ago I have become acutely aware that I have experienced as life has unfolded in front of me; forgiveness, tolerance, letting go, unconditional love, self forgiveness and acceptance. I have been schooled and blessed enough to learn what Steinbeck was conveying.

And though I have learned much about myself through striving and failing at business, my greatest lessons and successes have come from what I have learned from my relationship to others. Through the love and losses of family, friends and romantic partners, our conflicts and resolutions, our can’t stop laughing until we cry, our crying until we are laughing, the exchange of ‘it’s water under the bridge’, our Wait, What? moments, our I can’t believe this is how that played out…

That this is what life is about. 

Now when I return to my experience of finishing this read I’m filled with humility and gratitude. 

I haven't made it, but am making it.