Your Friends Dating Your Former Lovers
from the archives- how likely are you to 'refer' your former dates out?
Hey Foxy Friend,
I know I promised a column yesterday on what this last year has been like since my mom passed away, but I opted to not hit publish. The more I sat with yesterday marking āofficially one yearā the more I felt the need to be quiet and hold that space for myself.
To publish it now would mean engaging with my emotions outwardly with each of you, which I want to do, but not until I have a few more breaths on my own.
For now, here is an advice column I wrote for Tribeza JULY 30, 2021. Itās never been shared here on Substack. Iām not sure how it applies to my current beliefs today, but I think itās an interesting topic AND a great exercise in seeing where I was mentally then vs where I am now.
I have to admit, part of the reason I thought to share it has everything to do with the fact that only days ago I tried to set my friend up with a guy I dated this year. Heās a 10 out of 10 in my experience.
A rating Iām confident to give because Iāve been there.
Itās possible it might have been weird to each of them, but my thought was this;
If the love and fun isnāt meant to be between us, why would I not want someone else to experience all that goodness?
Why would I keep it to myself or restrict others from it?
Full transparency, I wouldnāt be as willing or open to suggest the person or people Iām currently dating to my friends. Iām not that evolvedā¦
yet š¤·āāļø question mark (said like ron burgundy)
Letās read as a community, dissect and discuss!
Love you friends,
stay foxyš¦
(again, like ron burgundy)
I REMEMBER THIS MOMENT in time during my sophomore year of high school when my friend and I both noticed and fell for the same boy while standing in the lunch line. Each day, we hoped to be somewhere near or in the vicinity of said boy so we could maybe get his attention. At the very least, we wanted to be near him so we ā okay, just me ā could smell that intoxicating combo of his after gym sweat and Calvin Klein cologne.
This went on for weeks: My friend and I would stand there face to face, talking but not too seriously in case he wanted to speak with us. Or, we might stand side by side in silence so he knew we were there and available in case he wanted to say something ā¦ anything!
One day, as we were walking away with our foil-wrapped hotdogs or something, he said, āHey.ā We both turned and looked at him, and he added, āWould you like to go out with me?ā
I started to answer āyes,ā but didnāt get it out because my friend said, āWhich one of us are you talking to?ā
As fast and fleeting as that moment was, I do remember realizing that maybe he wasnāt talking to me.
And then he looked at my friend and said, āYou.ā
I almost threw up in my mouth. My stomach definitely bottomed out and my face flushed thanks to a total disbelief along the lines of ā āWait, what? Itās not me youāre looking for?ā The memory is almost visceral today.
That wasnāt the last time Iāve found myself in that peculiar space of being interested in the same person as a friend, or finding out a person Iām interested in has eyes on a friend of mine. Itās safe to say that Iāve experienced it more in adulthood than in high school. Iāve come to realize that dating in Austin (surely singles in any city or town can relate) is like being part of a very slow moving orgy; on some level, we are all connected.
Iāve come to accept that not always being the one the that gets picked is just part of dating. The pilates instructor and I may attract the same type of guy ā or literally the same guy after guy after guy ā or that my friends and I may drool over the same person.
What I find harder to handle emotionally (and Iāve heard from others whoāve experienced this as well) is when a friend, who knows the details of my dating history with someone, decides to go out with that person after me. Youāre asking for a lot here if you think itās okay to date from a friendās romantic history.
Unless you have a conversation, that is.
Also, this doesnāt apply to any and all dates or persons. We are all adults and we get to do what and who we want. There may be potentials or partners in your past with no enduring emotional ties. Take him/her or leave him/her, it makes no difference to me. Others might remain sore subject matter, and itās okay to be sensitive about love lost or the way a relationship unfolded when you cross paths or when a friend says their name in the context of their own dating life. For some, there is a grace period. For others, itās non-negotiable.
Dating from friendsā history does raise questions that ought to be considered: What are my boundaries? Would I date a friendās last boyfriend? What if they only went out a few times? Would I be okay with them dating people Iāve dated? Have my friends and I communicated about this stuff?
Iām not making this up when I say Iāve been at a table with friends when everyone is swiping on and chatting to the same guys without knowing it at first. Iāve also met a friendās new boyfriend who happens to be the last guy I was flirtatiously texting. Have you asked your close friends how you might handle that?
Would it be a fair request if a friend asked you not to date or sleep with someone he or she once dated? Doesnāt matter. Itās their boundary. That doesnāt mean you have to agree, but you might end up forfeiting the friendship. Will it be worth it?
My mom used to say, āYour friends will out burn the sparks that come in and out of your life.ā
Maybe you want 100 percent loyalty from your friends in all circumstances, even if it means they might miss out on love. Maybe you have a friend whoās dated a ton of people and has unreasonable expectations about whoās significant and therefore off limits, so you take the request not to date someone with a grain of salt. Or you may be open to your friends hooking up with people youāve dated ā perhaps only after some time has passed. Most likely, it all depends on the friend, the former lover and how you feel about both relationships.
Being clear with yourself about whatās okay and not okay when it comes to friends and exes dating is required these days. I recommend thinking this through rationally before the situation arises and emotions take over. Communication is also key. Talk to your friends about boundaries. Donāt assume friends will know how you feel about these scenarios or a certain person in your past. You canāt expect your pals to be on the same page as you just because they swipe in the same direction as you.
Honestly... I donĀ“t know. My theory of the case is that if someone is banging me or about to be banging me IĀ“m an interested party, otherwise: good luck and hope it goes well for you. I didn't resent the guy who married the ex- after we split up - I didn't know him, he didn't do anything to me, she was his problem at that point and Mazel Tov! I'd expect I'd feel the same way about a friend dating someone I was around (honestly: has never happened to me). The only issue would be if the ex- person talked a lot of trash about me (although the trash-talking that really pisses me off are the lies). I am not that kind of jealous.
(As for being friends with ex-s. Most of them disappeared and I never heard from them again. Or even saw them. ItĀ“s easy to disappear into a city the size of Dallas. With the ex, given all the crap that she had pulled on me, I didnĀ“t bother. She came back of her own accord, mostly, I suspect, to gloat. Later, she disappeared again. But who knows. I find the whole range of behavior around this very weird - I only want to date people I am friends with.)
ĀØThere will be two parts of the story sliding into your emails next week.ĀØ
It'll get here when youĀ“re ready. No hurry, really. That can be really tough stuff to tossing to the sharks.
elm
everybody should chill
Gee never had the inclination to introduce former dates to friends or to date their former dates. Closest I cameis being with a girl that had been with a friend previously but did know it until ... both me and my friendwere taking about are one night stands and it dawn on us we were taking about the same girl. But not dating. Maybe I am old school