Your Dating History; Public or Private
Are we obligated to share our romantic histories with present company?
WHEN I WAS IN MY MID-THIRTIES, I was on a date with someone I’d been out with several times over the years, when we had an encounter that I’ve never forgotten. We decided to stop by Arlyn Studios for an after hours South By event to say hi to friends and check out the bands that were playing. It was crowded – and like most events in Austin, packed with familiar faces.
On our way into the venue, we passed a man heading out the door. He and my date casually greeted each other with a “Hey man, what’s up? Good to see you” fly-by. I remember looking at the man and saying, “Hi, nice to see you,” while simultaneously thinking, “He looks familiar, but how do I know him?”
Before I could piece it together, my date turned around and said, “Did you have sex with that guy?” Not in an accusatory way, but a curious, please say no kind of way. We had barely made it through the door. I froze. Then I laughed awkwardly and said, “Who was that? He looks familiar, but I can’t place him.”
The guy I was with then gave me his 1-star review of the man who’d just left while I stood there not really listening nor interested in figuring out how I knew him, but in disbelief that my date asked me something so directly that was so personal.
When he finished, I looked at him and told him that who I have had sex with wasn’t really his business unless I chose to make it so. In the future, I added, please don’t ask me that again.
It occurred to me that I had never advocated for myself in this way, which explained my hesitation and delayed response. I remember thinking, “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
LISTEN: An Orgasm Is Like Lunch
Earlier in my dating life, which started in my 30s, I thought I was supposed to share my dating history with my new potential partners – especially if we were in social settings with someone I’d been involved with. I believed it might be weird if I didn’t mention it and they found out later.
I felt, in some odd way, obligated.
But buried in that belief was me sharing something I wasn’t comfortable with for the sake of the other person. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable even though protecting him would make me feel uncomfortable.