Your Dating History; Public or Private

Are we obligated to share our romantic histories with present company?

WHEN I WAS IN MY MID-THIRTIES, I was on a date with someone I’d been out with several times over the years, when we had an encounter that I’ve never forgotten. We decided to stop by Arlyn Studios for an after hours South By event to say hi to friends and check out the bands that were playing. It was crowded – and like most events in Austin, packed with familiar faces.

On our way into the venue, we passed a man heading out the door. He and my date casually greeted each other with a “Hey man, what’s up? Good to see you” fly-by. I remember looking at the man and saying, “Hi, nice to see you,” while simultaneously thinking, “He looks familiar, but how do I know him?”

Before I could piece it together, my date turned around and said, “Did you have sex with that guy?” Not in an accusatory way, but a curious, please say no kind of way. We had barely made it through the door. I froze. Then I laughed awkwardly and said, “Who was that? He looks familiar, but I can’t place him.”

The guy I was with then gave me his 1-star review of the man who’d just left while I stood there not really listening nor interested in figuring out how I knew him, but in disbelief that my date asked me something so directly that was so personal.

Photo by Diana Parkhouse on Unsplash

When he finished, I looked at him and told him that who I have had sex with wasn’t really his business unless I chose to make it so. In the future, I added, please don’t ask me that again.

It occurred to me that I had never advocated for myself in this way, which explained my hesitation and delayed response. I remember thinking, “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

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Earlier in my dating life, which started in my 30s, I thought I was supposed to share my dating history with my new potential partners – especially if we were in social settings with someone I’d been involved with. I believed it might be weird if I didn’t mention it and they found out later.

I felt, in some odd way, obligated.

But buried in that belief was me sharing something I wasn’t comfortable with for the sake of the other person. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable even though protecting him would make me feel uncomfortable.

The catch was that sharing my dating history didn’t usually go over well. It turns out some people – even though they ask – don’t want to know about your intimate life. So, what I thought might be useful information, and awarded as honest and open, didn’t serve either of us. In fact, these might have been some of the most awkward dating moments I’ve ever had.

Now, my past is my business unless I choose to make it yours. I’m not opposed to sharing if there is a sense of trust and safety, but it’s not just ‘me’ we are talking about.

Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

I believe that sharing and divulging this type of information isn’t necessarily fair to the other people involved. I’ve become much more private about my intimate life in the years that have passed since the incident at Arlyn Studios. I don’t share details with friends the way I once did. And now I think that maybe, just maybe, the other person involved might want the same privacy – or at least a say in what is being shared about his or her personal life and history.

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I’ve been on the receiving end, having had friends or persons I was newly dating inform me that they ‘heard from so and so’ etc about an experience with me and I never enjoyed the feeling that came with knowing these two people had been gossiping about me on their dates or while lying in bed together.

It makes me wonder why anyone would start a relationship talking about their former partners and sexual relationships. Are you bonding over it? Do you not have anything more interesting to talk about?

It’s not really my idea of foreplay, dirty talk or getting to know someone. If you really think about it… it’s some weird ass kink.

You’ve heard me say it before, and I’ll say it again (and again and again and again!)

I’d rather masturbate with sandpaper than sit around and listen to someone talk about their exes or other people they’ve had sex with.

It’s not uncommon for the people you’ve dated to cross paths or potentially find yourself dating people in the same social circles. It will be up to you to evaluate and decide what you want to share, if anything.

Autonomy is your inherited right.

I’m not suggesting this is easy terrain to navigate and there are some gray areas to be considered. If your city is anything like Austin, it may appear to be “the slowest moving orgy”.

Photo by Jacek Dylag on Unsplash

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If you decide to share, choose to do so in a way that is in the spirit of respect and honesty. Not to reassure someone else, not because someone feels threatened, not to provoke jealously and certainly not to gossip.

I would encourage you to consider the nature of your past relationship and the current one. How does it serve them knowing? How would the other person feel about you sharing? Is it something if, you were all together, you’d divulge in the same way?

I asked my Instagram fam what they thought and 86 percent agree.

Most of them said, “We’ve all had sex with other people. No need to share.” Some thought it was a “red flag” for someone to even ask, while others felt that their intimate lives are sacred and shouldn’t be discussed with those who aren’t involved.

To the other 14 percent who want to know about their dates sexual history, I would get really clear on why you need to know about their past, to inform you of their present and your future.