Why Some Women Thrive with Casual Sex (And Others Don't): Exploring Sociosexual Differences Part 2
True sexual liberation isn't about what you do—it's about aligning what you do with who you are.
This is the second part of our exploration of women's experiences with casual sex. If you missed Part 1 where I shared my personal journey, you can find it here.
Note: This post includes exclusive reflection prompts and journaling exercises to help you understand your own sociosexuality. Available for paying subscribers only.
The Gap Between Liberation and Fulfillment
In my 30s and 40s, I found myself in spaces that many women might consider freeing—dating as a single mom, exploring my sexuality, and defining fulfillment outside conventional relationships. But I'd be lying if I said I had it all figured out from day one. I'd also be lying if I told you I thought being single was the solution or fix-all for your troubled relationship.
I became a single mom at 31, and while I had one serious relationship in my mid-30s, I spent most of that time charting my own course—establishing my boundaries around intimacy and redefining what fulfillment meant to me. Unlike many women I meet, I hadn't waited until Midlife to start exploring my sexuality on my own terms, nor had I stayed in relationships "for the children." I'd already lived through these realities and their complexities long before reaching my 40s.
And I had come to love my life exactly as it was.
I couldn't relate to my friends or clients who expressed concerns about leaving their current relationship for fear of "ending up alone" or saying "I can't be single in my forties." Nor could I relate to the vague platitudes:
"I can't be single because then I won't be able to have sex."
"It needs to be with someone I love and they love."
"I need to be in a relationship in order to have sex."
"I need to know I'm the only one they are having sex with to have sex with them."
"I need the other person to give me X in order for me to give them SEX."
I think this is what the kids call gatekeeping.
But what if it's not so much transactional in nature and more about our natural orientations? Think about sitting around with your group of friends or hell, to make it even easier, think of Sex and The City—each woman has her own take on sex—what she's interested in, with whom, how, and when—both in and out of relationships.
And though I can't say for certain what results a Venn diagram would produce on women and casual sex, I can tell you this: There's a concept that helps explain these differences and can assist you in better understanding why casual sex doesn't seem in alignment.
It's called Sociosexuality—the individual difference in willingness to engage in sexual activity outside committed relationships. Some researchers suggest these orientations exist on a spectrum, with individuals ranging from restricted (preferring emotional connection before physical intimacy) to unrestricted (comfortable separating physical pleasure from emotional attachment).
What I Discovered in the Dressing Room
Throughout my years in the TforB dressing room and in my coaching practice, I've worked with countless women stepping into unfamiliar terrain.
Some were leaving marriages, motivated by the seductive idea that a single life would automatically bring them more fulfillment. Others were caught in affairs, unsure how to extract themselves. Many looked at me as if I'd unlocked some secret—some magical way of moving through independence, sex, and relationships with a confidence they coveted.
I've witnessed many women (and men) embark on being single with a tangible enthusiasm. If we could bottle this chemical lubricant, we'd all be drunk on it.
What quickly became clear was that our experiences—and especially our reactions to casual sex—were fundamentally different. I imagine this might sound off-putting, as if I possess some superpower. I don't. The real explanation is much simpler and more scientific.
When Freedom Doesn't Feel Free
While I could engage without attachment, many women I worked with found themselves emotionally entangled in ways they hadn't anticipated. This wasn't just about social judgment or navigating the logistics of casual relationships—it was a deeper, more visceral friction.
They were confronting themselves and their innate patterns of connection.
On one hand, they logically pursued new ways of expressing their sexuality, which sounded great—in theory. On the other hand, they found themselves at odds internally: not feeling their needs were being met, fearing loneliness, questioning if they should have or shouldn't have been intimate, and discovering that for them to experience physical pleasure, they needed emotional connection first.
And that's where the real work began.
Despite a trending rise in conversations around women's Midlife sexual awakening, the appeal of casual sex at this life stage can look like the ultimate liberation. No strings, no commitments—just pleasure on demand. But for many women, that promised freedom doesn't feel free at all. Instead of feeling like they "finally had it all," they found themselves feeling shortchanged, questioning their choices, and recognizing that what they truly wanted wasn't just sex—it was something deeper.
The Integrity Equation
To feel whole and live within our integrity, our internal world (thoughts and feelings) must align with our external world (actions and choices). When these are misaligned, we experience a persistent, low-grade discomfort that no amount of casual encounters can satisfy.
But how do we know what's truly right for us? How do we separate what we think we should want from what actually fulfills us?
This is where understanding sociosexuality becomes invaluable.
More About Sociosexuality: Beyond Gender Stereotypes
While some view sociosexuality through a deterministic lens—often assuming women are naturally more "restricted" and men more "unrestricted"—my own experience as a woman with unrestricted tendencies challenges these oversimplifications.
To expand on what I introduced earlier:
Individuals with restricted sociosexuality prefer greater love, commitment, and emotional closeness before having sex. The physical act is intrinsically linked to emotional connection for them.
Those with unrestricted sociosexuality are more comfortable having casual sex without love, commitment, or deep emotional bonds. The physical act can be enjoyable in itself, separate from emotional attachment.
Neither orientation is better or worse—they're simply different ways of experiencing sexuality. The problem arises when you try to force yourself into patterns that contradict your authentic orientation, whether due to social pressure or internalized expectations about how someone of your gender "should" approach sex.
Sociosexuality vs. Social Conditioning: Understanding the Difference
It's important to distinguish between your sociosexual nature and the effects of social conditioning. They're interrelated but distinct:
Social conditioning refers to the messages we've absorbed about sexuality from our families, religious institutions, media, and culture. It shapes our conscious beliefs about what's "proper," "moral," or "normal" regarding sex. This conditioning can create guilt, shame, or confusion when our authentic desires don't align with what we've been taught.
For example, women are often conditioned to believe their value is tied to sexual restraint—praised for saying "no" and judged for having "too many" partners. Meanwhile, men are frequently conditioned to prove their masculinity through sexual conquest—celebrated for the same behaviors women are shamed for. This double standard creates entirely different landscapes of shame, desire, and permission that have nothing to do with innate preferences and everything to do with social control.
Sociosexuality, on the other hand, refers to your natural comfort level with sexual intimacy outside of commitment—regardless of what you've been taught to believe. It's more about how you intrinsically experience sexual desire and connection.
The gap between your sociosexual nature and your social conditioning can create internal conflict. You might have unrestricted tendencies but feel guilty about them due to conservative upbringing. Or you might have a restricted nature but feel pressure to engage in casual sex because it's portrayed as liberating or sophisticated.
True sexual liberation comes from recognizing both your conditioning and your natural tendencies, then making conscious choices about which cultural messages to keep or discard as you honor your authentic self.
My Journey From Fantasy to Reality
When I was younger, the concept of casual sex didn't exist in my consciousness. That's not to say I wasn't having one-night stands or sex with men who weren't my boyfriends. But due to purity culture and conditioning, I operated under the assumption that sexual intimacy automatically meant we were going to be together. (Distilled down, it was me giving my body to someone in exchange for commitment—a "transaction" that we girls continue to do long after we become women).
It never occurred to me that sex could be "just sex"—pleasure for pleasure's sake.
After my marriage ended, I discovered that intimacy outside committed relationships could be liberating. But as I matured, I began to understand that casual sex isn't as uncomplicated as it appears from the outside.
There's a profound difference between the fantasy and the reality of what it involves—emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Owning My Power: A Moment of Clarity
Recently, my friend
asked about my experience for her post "Wanting Vs. Being Wanted." She was curious about "the feeling underneath the actions that feel sexy to you, when you're with a partner." My response revealed much about my sociosexual nature:*"I remember emerging from a decade-long relationship and discovering a new relationship with pleasure. During one afternoon encounter with a new partner, I found myself feeling overtaken by the way the sun was filling the room. My senses heightened as if so present in pleasure, and I became very conscious of this light. It painted us almost as if with a glow. I could feel him pressing deep into me, the sheets wrapped around us; when we looked into one another's eyes, holding this gaze, I felt penetrated (no pun intended) and thought, this is what they want you to think love looks like. But it's not love.
It's two people who are fucking in the afternoon while everyone else is working. Two people agreed not to tell their mutual friends—or anyone—that they were hanging out. It's two people who have no plans of being together or taking the relationship beyond the bed. It's two people who agreed to fuck for fun.