Coming To Know What You Want

If you aren’t working on becoming an expert at your life and mastering your Self, you will be left circling the drain while everyone washes their opinions and advice all over you

A few months ago I was asked to speak to a group of women about sex and intimacy at a private club. It was an ask that seemed fairly straight forward and natural considering my nearly twenty year career as a Lingerie Sex Shop owner turned Dating and Relationship Coach/Columnist. I confidently said yes but after hanging up, I found myself ruminating on what seemed like a riddle….

How does one tailor a conversation as broad as sex and intimacy, yet personalized enough that speaks to the individuals in the group? Especially when talking to women about sex; each of us with our different experiences past and present; the multitude of cultural and religious conditioning informing each of us in ways that we are not aware of or all too aware of; our different preferences of how and/or (in)ability to receive/ achieve orgasm and states of pleasure. 

It was weeks of mental gymnastics. It wasn’t until the day before the event that I landed on a topic I believed had the potential to resonate with a room of listeners. 

And I knew in my marrow after I heard myself being introduced as ‘This is Ashley Kelsch and she is a Sex-Pert’, that I had chosen correctly. I stared at a room of blank, wide eyed faces (maybe they were mirroring mine) and immediately tried to laugh off the discomfort I felt. 

‘Hi, My name is Ashley Kelsch and I’m an expert at having sex with myself. Not sex, in general. Which is what I thought we could talk about tonight: sex with yourself. A self pleasuring practice. Masturbation.’

After some mild laughter from the group, I began sharing a bit about my journey and opened up the room for discussion.  

Following the evening, I thought about my instinct not to present as an ‘expert’ when I was reminded of the slight tinge of discomfort I felt when I saw their faces looking back at me.

Faces that said, 

For the love of God…. I don't need more advice. 

As a woman who in the last five to seven years started to shed the skin of her former socialized self and stopped doing and being what everyone around her insisted she needed to be; a good wife, a good fuck, a good mother, a good friend, a good earner, a good girl; I knew that face all too well.

It was the face of ‘faking it’ while riding the mental masturbation that has come to be her life; do this, don’t do that; say it like this, don’t say it like that; be this way, not that way and you will reach states of satisfaction and fulfillment. 

A face that knew whatever advice she was being given, wouldn’t feel as good as they promised it would.

Would you like to know the most common answer I get when I ask my clients what they want out of life?

“I Don’t Know” 

Would you like to know what most of the women have to say about their pleasure practice?

She doesn’t have time. She’s not in the mood. She’s touched out. 

From years of listening to other women talk about their sex lives and own pleasure, I have concluded that a majority of women have learned about their own bodies and pleasure by way of another person's hands, wants and desires; by listening to the needs of others; by doing what she has been told and/or is expected of her.

Just like she has in her personal life. 

A couple of weeks ago, Bumble decided to target-market to women who were fed up with online dating and app culture with a blazoned ad campaign, ‘Celibacy is not the answer’ along with a few other taglines that caused their users to not just want to quit on dating and sex, but hop off the dating app and pop off on social media. The attention and backlash Bumbled received was loud enough for them to pull the adverts, make a public apology and offer large monetary donations to organizations that support ending violence against women. 

A journalist from The Huffington Post reached out to get my comments for her piece and asked,

What were your thoughts on Bumble's anti-celibacy ad?

I can see what Bumble was trying to accomplish with this ad by speaking to a large collective of women who are over dating, hook up culture and apps, believing the solution is to give up on men/sex and quit  altogether. She is frustrated, disappointed and exhausted. 

Unfortunately, they missed the mark by a mile when they took agency and choice away from their users and instead became just another talking head telling her what to do. 

Culturally speaking, women are finding themselves in a precarious position when it comes to their bodies and sex; for the first time in history we have more freedom; to be single or married, choice to have children or not, freedom to have sex with multiple partners or not, to work, have our own money…

While on the other hand, we are still being policed and watching policies be restored that control and violate our inherent rights. 

Instead of telling her what to do, why not try asking her what she wants. 

RELATED: My 2021 Tribeza Column; NO DATING OR SEX FOR 90 DAYS

*part of the reason H.Post reached out to me was based on this column

While all of this was unraveling, a professional football player whose name I won’t remember made a commencement speech to the graduating class of Benedictine College. It’s worth noting, a Catholic School whose audience I assume has similar values and belief systems. He had a special message for the women in the audience: Make homemaking your vocation! He even included several special shout outs like, ‘it’s a sin to be queer and abortion is murder.’ What a Saint. (to be clear I don’t support any of his messaging)

The Sisters of Mount St. Scholastica and the NFL Commission made public statements separating themselves from his statements.

To say that week in the media caused a splash in my algorithm, would be an understatement as the pendulum swung aggressively back and forth…  

“Girls…. DATE!  Have SEX!!!!! Hook Up! It’s your right!!”

“There’s NO Shame in Celibacy!!! DO YOU, NOT THEM!!!”

“Ladies… GET MARRIED!  Stay HOME!!! Your dream is not a career! It’s supporting someone else's!!!”

"Supporting your husband IS real work!!”

Everyone, everywhere telling women what she should and shouldn’t do.

Be Slutty Vs Stay Home// Be Slutty or Go Home // Be Slutty At Home (personal fav)

Some were oblivious. Others were outraged. 

For half a second I thought, Wait. What?! Why is everyone so upset? To me, it seemed, another day in the life of Western Culture. 

And don’t these messages basically cancel each other out? 

Okay, yes there is the obvious glaring undertone that these messages benefit men, but even that isn’t shocking. None of this is new. 

So why is this a problem? In my likely, unpopular opinion?

It’s not.

That is, unless you are unaware of your agency and choice in a world that is- and will forever be- telling and selling you it’s agenda. 

If you aren’t working on becoming an expert at your life and mastering your Self, you will be left circling the drain while everyone washes their opinions and advice all over you

That’s a problem .

Do you want to know what’s been most wild to me about my practice of self pleasure? That it has been less about masturbation and more about Self Mastery.

Self-mastery

Noun;

The conscious control of one's behaviour; self-command. 

“When you have developed self-mastery, you have the ability to control yourself in all situations, and you move forward consciously and steadily towards your goals. You know your purpose, and you have the self-discipline needed to do things in a deliberate, focused, and honorable way.

Self-mastery also means mastering your emotions, impulses, and actions, and is vital if you want to achieve your goals in life.” Source; Mindtools

I came to know myself  (no pun intended) learning how to be in my body and getting out of my mind. In the beginning it was about achieving or reaching orgasmic states which then evolved into relieving stress which eventually led to discovering new sensations, which led to releasing stored emotions, which led to seeing painful, shameful narratives and experiences that I had been holding on to which led to letting go of old conditioning and beliefs that led to healing and deepening a relationship with Myself.

It was a process of Self Discovery. For the first time in my life I became conscious of something no one had ever told me; That my pleasure- and my answers- were in me. Not outside of me. 

Arriving at this truth has been better than any blended orgasm I’ve felt.

Self Pleasure 👉 Self Discovery = Self Mastery 

I’ve unsubscribed from social expectations and pressure from a world that doesn’t know what’s best for me. I’d say that I’m almost immune to most of the messaging, but every once in a while I rub up against it.

And when I do, I go deeper within myself to listen. 

Deciding consciously what I want to choose, while knowing it’s all an option, has opened me up to living my truth and freed me from faking it for so many. In other words, in living a lie.

Real change, be it with your Self, socially or globally, all starts and comes from within. I'm not suggesting it has to come from between your legs (even if it is the best feeling option), but it does require taking the time to examine your thoughts and beliefs, your own socialization and conditioning; what you were taught growing up by your family, the media, the church, your friends and so on about sex, politics, religion, your body, behaviors, values, priorities etc. And then choosing which of those ideas you want to deconstruct, burn down, rebuild or construct for yourSelf.

I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I promise, if you dial down the outside noise and tune IN, you will hear a voice say,

“I know what I want…”