They Absolutely Care That You're Not Drinking
What happens when you stop drinking and everyone around you has feelings about it
(This was originally published in December 2025 on This Side of Sober and had more engagement than any other post I’ve written in 4 years.)
I keep seeing these sober-talk videos floating around, people reassuring you that “No one cares if you’re not drinking during the holidays. Literally no one. Stop stressing.”
And listen… I love the sentiment. I love the confidence. But I don’t know who these people are spending the holidays with.
I absolutely stressed about what my family and friends would think when I stopped drinking, and guess what? I wasn’t wrong. They cared. Deeply.
Now, maybe your people are different. Maybe they shrug and say, “Oh cool, sparkling water?” Maybe your relationship with alcohol was toxic enough that everyone is relieved you’re not showing up sauced and they truly don’t care what’s in your glass.
But some of us? Some of us come from the wine-pairing, cocktail-hour, dinner-party girlies or the moms who unWINE, the ones whose every gathering revolves around drinking or the families whose answer to all things cold, celebratory or sickly was whiskey. (I’m from North Dakota, do you know how much whiskey it takes to stay warm?)
They care because:
It’s a lifestyle. A way of life. The way to survive life.
They also care because if you’re not, what does that say about them.
Some of us have families who think that uncle so-and-so falls down at Thanksgiving, and you’re not as bad as that so just moderate.
Some of us have friends who genuinely want you to “loosen up,” “join the fun,” “compare hangovers tomorrow,” and share in the experience because that is the only experience worth having together.
Here’s what’s really going on: you’re disrupting the pattern.
Anytime someone makes a major change, getting sober, getting divorced, having a baby, moving, or setting boundaries, it forces everyone around them to renegotiate who they are in relation to you and themselves.
And there is nothing more threatening to someone’s sense of normalcy than the people around them changing and the pattern and behavior shifting.
So if you’re heading into the holidays feeling stressed about not drinking and worried about what others will think, let me give it to you straight:
You’re not crazy. You’re not imagining it. People might care. People might make it weird. People might project their stuff onto you.1
But none of that means you’re wrong for changing. None of that means you owe anyone a drink. None of that means you should shrink yourself back into the version of you they’re most comfortable with.
I spent years, almost a decade, listening to people tell me I didn’t have a drinking problem. That their drinking was worse and if anyone had a problem, it was them. That I wasn’t my mom who had a severe problem. Not only did I feel like they were gaslighting me, I felt this immense amount of pressure and guilt; like I had to explain myself or justify why I didn’t want to drink anymore and I’m sorry for letting you down.
Not exactly festive.
Today the conversation is very different. There isn’t one. I am no longer gaslighting myself into thinking drinking is fun for me. I am no longer looking outside of myself to affirm or validate my decision. I am so solid in my not drinking and my reasons behind my ‘why’ that I don’t need to explain it to anyone. And honestly, I have a new found joy for the space between me and the person whose face can’t hide their disappointment. The face that reads, “oh, one of those.”
I just let their projection sit between us in silence.
I don’t care.
I’m willing to lose that person to save myself.
Now, I know that I’m on this side of sober and it’s easier for me to say than for you to experience. This is where you get to stop taking on their discomfort and instead open up to what it’s like for you to disappoint people. 2
I’m reminded of a sober friend who found herself panicking about going home for the holidays where most of the day was about everyone eating and drinking together. All she could think about was how everyone would keep asking and wanting to know why and can’t you, ‘just for the holiday’? Then she had this idea to turn it into a game:
How many people can I disappoint by declining to drink this weekend?
She said at first it was a little awkward. By the 3rd or 4th person she found herself laughing by the absurdity of their reactions but by the end of the first night, she said she felt empowered.
She had never used her voice or her ‘no’ like that before. From that day forward, she stopped caring what others thought about her not drinking.
She started caring for herself.
That’s what I want to offer you do this holiday season. Stop caring what others think and start caring for you.
Read Buzz Kill for a clear understanding on the internal happenings when you are offered a drink. 1. women are conditioned to be people pleasers (don’t disappoint others!) and human care givers. say yes to make others happy. 2. you are at odds with desire and dopamine 3. you are unconsciously contending with beliefs about alcohol that you have absorbed from those around you and the alcohol industry. the messaging is drinking is a ‘luxury, lifestyle, fun, and stress relief.’
We use substances or emotional patterns to avoid the depths of what we’re feeling. learning to inhabit your body, feel your feelings, and reconnect with the parts of yourself you’ve been exiling is where you will find relief.