Single Minded
I know I’m not alone when I share the main sentiment or train of thought upon arriving at this juncture; “the last thing on my mind is another relationship”. And yet...
IF YOU’VE EVER FOUND YOURSELF feeling free (at last!) and relieved (deep sigh) at the end of a relationship, you may have experienced your brain and body simultaneously flushed with a particular type of chemical intoxication and space that you haven't felt in some time. Perhaps, ever.
It’s a clearing and cleansing that is unmistakable. There is the obvious of the two that takes place in the physical sense; one begins reclaiming all the drawers and closet, choosing if and when the TV airs or music blares, to take up all sides of the bed. Then there is an internal clearing and cleansing; a release of the proverbial parts of you that were once merged or tied to another as your language and thoughts shift from ‘we’ to ‘me’.
For some it’s a simple, but profound sense that for the first time in a long time, you can simply. just. breathe.
You’ve long waited to arrive where the two roads would diverge and you could journey down the one less traveled known as “Single Minded”. Convinced that you are ready and prepared for what lies ahead, you start to think like a single-minded person would. It’s as if a switch goes off activating your mind to open up and explore ideas and possibilities that you hadn’t considered or weren’t available to you while in partnership.
I know I’m not alone when I share the main sentiment or train of thought upon arriving at this juncture; “the last thing on my mind is another relationship…”
We find ourselves saying; “I’m looking forward to finally being alone, spending time getting to know me, focusing on my kids, my jobs, exploring new hobbies and friends… finding out who I am outside of a relationship.”
And yet, almost as soon as we are single and alone, we find ourselves talking to, texting with, dating and/ or fucking someone else. If not sooner. As if totally out of our control, we find ourselves being pulled pack to the road more often taken known as, "Not Traveled Alone”
I know what you’re thinking; Isn’t that the benefit of being single? Being able to do what we want AND who we want?
I want to say “YES, IT IS!!”. There is a small percentage of you that will stay committed to discovering a version of yourself that you’ve never experienced as a single person. There is another small percentage of you that will be able to do that and integrate another or others into your life all without losing your footing and your single state of mind.
Unfortunately, that’s not the majority and few of you will benefit from off roading back and forth between being single and not alone. In fact, most of you will start getting emotionally engaged and entangled with another and quickly lose sight of being single as you succumb to the distraction of attraction, finding yourself feeling lost between the two roads.
Our minds can’t help but go into an over-processing mode with each new conversation and encounter; is this going to be something? I haven’t felt this way before. I wonder if they are seeing other people? Should I stop seeing other people? I didn’t think I was ready for something… Do they think this is something?
You go from single minded to overdrive in an instant.
*Prepare yourself for a wreck if the other person is love bombing you*
It’s important to note that there is zero shame in finding yourself excited and enjoying the newness of being pursued or in pursuing others. After years of dormant desire, along with many other emotions, there is a quality of aliveness and newness that you are experiencing; not only is it fun, it’s literally intoxicating making it nearly impossible to resist. This intoxication is not by faulty design either. In fact, humans are wired on an evolutionary, neurological and social level to desire connection with others for our survival. To remain single and alone is harder in every aspect as it goes against the very nature of our hardwiring.
I was talking with a friend over dinner one night who shared with me that she made the decision to end her 30+ year marriage a little over 2 years ago. She confidently decided to embrace being, not just single, but alone in her mid 50’s. She changed her career, continued supporting her college aged kids and built a community of friends in her new town. Her voice started to falter when she began describing the experience of being approached by someone expressed interest in her; “I was utterly unprepared. I had no intentions of ever being with someone again. ”
Her single state of mind became overwhelmed with fear, desire, doubt, excitement, guilt, confusion and promise as she considered getting involved with him. After choosing not to be in relationship, she felt blindsided by romance.
It’s estimated that 70-80% of people who get divorced will either remarry (w/in 3-5 years) or end not single.
I imagine many of us coming out of relationships desiring to be single and alone is directly related to how much we felt we were giving, or gave up. We are tapped out, under-resourced and have this sense that we don’t know who we are. I can’t count the number of times I’ve started with a new client and their first words were, I’ve lost myself- I’ve forgotten who I am- And I don’t know what I want.
To not know where you are, how you got there and with no idea of where you want to go is as groundless as it gets.
It makes sense that we would exit a relationship feeling relieved while also firmly declaring to anyone who is listening, ‘I’m not interested in a relationship’. It’s probably something we need to hear ourselves say in an effort to prevent us from going back to where we came from; isolated and lonely while not traveling alone.
I also believe it’s harder for us to admit to ourselves and others that we are desperately craving love and connection. That we really don’t want to do life alone.
Spend some time examining your actions and the experiences being created in your life and with others. Are they aligned with what you are saying?
You’ll know if you are serious about wanting to be single and alone or single and not alone.
What we believe in our marrow is what we manifest and materialize.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting both if you can practice being radically honest with yourself and others.
Can you honestly say that when you’re dating, you’re not mentally and emotionally preoccupied by the other person or people; checking their instagrams, analyzing texts, the time between, if they are talking to others, what they meant when they said.
Can honestly say that you don’t get your feelings hurt or find yourself ruminating when you don’t hear back from someone you’re texting or talking to or they cancel plans; that you don’t start to create expectations.
Can you honestly say that you have communicated healthy boundaries with the people you are engaging with; agreed what the relationship is vs isn’t, and are practicing safe sex knowing?
Can you honestly say that you are not emotionally dependent or reliant on these other people; sharing and bonding over past traumas or modern day drama?
Can you honestly say you’re still 100% focused on your single self at the same time, enjoying not being alone?
If you are struggling or contending with the thoughts and emotions mentioned, you’re human. The answer is not about not feeling. It is about learning to manage your mind and emotions. It is about staying in your lane. It is about compartmentalizing. It is about having discipline. It is about prioritizing yourself.
It is about mastering the art and skill of being single minded.
I’ve had almost as many years married as I have been single and divorced. I have dated casually, monogamously, openly, whatever you want to call it. I have taken breaks to solely be a self partner. I have been the person who couldn’t wait to do what she wanted after her first divorce. I have been the person who had an affair before her second divorce. I have all along said I need to focus on me and my kids and my career.
What I am saying is that I’ve traveled the roads, been off road, circled cul de sacs, arrived at a few dead ends, gone against traffic, made my own roads, caused some damage -unfortunately this included collateral damage that was unrepairable- and have discovered this:
All the roads are interconnected, leading you back to your Self one way, or another.
And as long as you continue on the road to Self; get honest with yourself and what you want, prioritize the relationship you have with you, your well-being and that of others while remaining open to what’s in front of you, you’ll always be heading in the right direction regardless of your status.