Resolve to Evolve

last week I experienced some nail biting tension myself after someone, whom I assuming has multiple instagram accounts, decided to start harassing me on my reels.

Good Evening Friend,

It’s possible this email will miss your attention this evening with the Super Bowl airing. Admittedly, even I have it on. Not because I’m into Football. Not because of T-Swift. Simply because I find the sound of it comforting.

From what I can gather, this is a good game. It’s tied in the 4th with 3 minutes left.

TENSION.

Literally a nail biter based on the image of Taylor Swift and her pals in their Suite.

Last week I experienced some nail biting tension myself after someone, whom I assuming has multiple instagram accounts, decided to start harassing me on my reels. Comments that ranged from me being cringey and too old to be posting the way I’m posting to being a parasite w-h-o-r-e who is selfish and left my ex with nothing, including unable to move on into a new relationship, threw in me having an affair and that I love to hear myself talk.

It was something to watch my brain take in the age commentary. Frankly, I found that bit to be semi amusing and predictable. My birthday is this week and I am not getting any younger. And they are not wrong;

I do love hearing myself.

It was another experience to see their second comment come in later. They mention my former partner/co parents nickname. A name that not everyone uses. That felt a bit more unsettling. Like this person knows us somehow.

It was then another experience to read a third comments a few days later.

My nervous system sounded alarms…

I watched myself go from

Regulated to Hyper-activated to Hypo-activate in a matter of minutes.

I sat in my normal writing chair with my laptop in my lap and phone in hand staring at the newest comment

wtf. who is this? where is this coming from? what is next? what if they never stop.

I felt helpless. And like a battery losing its charge, I felt myself powering down.

I went into a hypo-state. and this is where I have to be very very careful. It’s the difference of me staying engaged with the world and my work or believing that a nap is the answer. It’s too tense.

I closed my computer and sat quietly watching my nervous system and mind and started repeating

Thank You.

Thank You.

Thank You.

Last month I was on the phone with a business mentor and he asked me, how are you handling your problems? What is your process.

I was stunned how quickly the answer came to me. I was surprised how nervous I was to tell him.

I took a deep breath and said, I feel a little vulnerable sharing this, but the honest answer is I’m handing them over to my higher power.

I have learned over the years that I cannot trust my brain as CEO.

My company motto, if you will is,

DON’T TAKE THE FIRST THINK.

If you’ve been following my podcast or work for any amount of time, you’ve heard me say ad nauseam, observe your reaction, choose your response.

Here is the honest to Gods truth, the persons words don’t hurt me. I’ve talked about my affair openly. I know my relationship to and with my former partner/co parent, and he mine, and we are more than good. I also know that I’m not perfect, have been selfish and have a long history of imperfections and hurting people.

Ironically, the videos the people are commenting on are me addressing those very things.

All of that said, it is hitting some tender spots and fear within me.

Parts of me that I did not know were there.

Parts of me that I have been denying and avoiding.

Parts of me that I am still operating from.

I’m grateful to this person for showing me that. I’m grateful to my Higher Power for giving me direction on next steps.

On this weeks episode of Wait, What? I’m going to talk about

Monica Lewinsky and cyber bullying

Aging body, aging out of old ways and letting go

Moving through tense moments; how to sort the clean pain from the dirty drama

Speaking of tense- THAT GAME! I thought Taylor Swift was going to throw up.

I can relate.

Here’s to a great week. Talk to you on Tuesday.

Love,

ash