(Repost) Exploring Polyamory, Non-Monogamy, and the Realities of Modern Love: A Conversation with Molly R. Winter

Curious about polyamory but skeptical about what holds open marriages together— My evolving perspective led me to a burning question: What keeps you and your husband together?

I’m pulling this post back into the spotlight as I refresh and realign with my new branding of Unfucking Midlife. Some of you may remember my conversation with Molly Roden Winter and my deep dive into More: A Memoir of Open Marriage—but for the many new readers here, I wanted to bring it back. For those of you who may have seen it before, you might catch something new this time.

And yes, the podcast episode with Molly is making a comeback, too. Stay tuned!

During December, I was lying in bed late at night, scrolling through my New Yorker magazine. I found an op-ed piece about the trending conversations around open marriage and polyamory. How Did Polyamory Become So Popular? Once the province of utopian free-love communities, consensual non-monogamy is now the stuff of Park Slope marriages and prestige television.

I, too, had noticed over the last five years that more people are open about being open, as opposed to before when people quietly shared with those they felt would keep their privacy or be interested in participating.

I've also noticed a series of personal paradigm shifts regarding ideas and practices over time.

There was a time when I would have said that would never work.

Then, there was a time when, as I witnessed more people telling me they were going to open up about their relationship, I wondered;

Is opening up a relationship the modern-day 'let's have a baby' attempt to save something on its way out?

A band-aid for a bigger problem.

An opportunity to just fuck around.

Then there was a time - like a decade's worth- at Teddies for Bettys where I heard about first-hand encounters and experiences (was asked for a lot of advice and had none to give) that I listened to, quite salaciously and couldn't wait for their next visit to find out what happened next.

I was intrigued, and it wasn't by the sex the people were having—it was more about the logistics, time, and management—the mental and emotional bandwidth—all the people. I was tired for them.

Then there was the time I proposed to my partner the idea of opening up our relationship. It was a naive request, and I was ill-prepared—not only for what I was asking but also for the emotional pain it caused.

I can now see how I offered it as a solution to our already fragile relationship. please refer to the questions above in italics.

Then, there was the time when I finally started to understand that life partnership and commitment are built on more than good sex.

Then there was the time I realized, after being mostly single for a decade and dating, that I could identify with connecting emotionally with more than one person at a time, in being physical with more than one person, in sharing intimacy and parts of myself differently with one person vs. another that I started asking the question:

Am I practicing polyamory, but as a single person? Is that a thing? Am I monogam-ish? An Ethical Slut?

I started to educate and inform myself about the practices and began applying them to my dating life.

Photo by Muha Ajjan on Unsplash

But through all of my brain evolution and opening to the practice, there was one question that kept me a little curious, maybe even skeptical that I was unable to resolve within myself that I wanted answered;

What keeps two people together if they are not only seeing and sleeping with others but also in love with them? I remained a little skeptical.

Which brings us to the New Yorker piece…

Would the journalist behind this essay have the answers to my semi-closed-minded, inexperienced, entry-level question? The short answer?

No.

But it did mention a new book called More: A Memoir of Open Marriage, a New York Times bestseller about a married mother of two children who, with her husband's encouragement, decides to embark on a journey of opening their marriage.

It's funny now to write this, but after reading the review, I briefly wondered if I should read the book. Two competing thoughts rose in me:

Maybe this is a practice I should work on opening my mind to if I want to 'spend my life’ with someone.

and

I'm not interested in being with or having more than one partner.

It was decided. I would not read it.

Less than a week later, a post came through from fellow Substack writer Tolly Mosely of Submit Here. She was introducing a series on non-monogamous moms and asking her readers for their experience—or opinion on—being non-monogamous.

Without thinking, I replied:

I never label(ed) myself and am not entirely sure if nonmonogamous = polyamorous, but as a single mom/woman dating, I started to draw parallels and began applying the philosophy/practices that are commonly used: autonomy, open communication, boundaries, etc. when dating and in a relationship. All of these should be used regardless, but people (subconsciously) resist or lack the skill set due to being conditioned in monogamous mindsets.

What I have found most interesting is that when I was dating to find a partnership/a partner to fill the role of a father in my family unit, I was seen as selfless, encouraged, and congratulated (literally) in my pursuit.

I was seen as selfish when I decided to focus on raising my kids and not date to find a serious commitment until they were out of the home.

The input and projection from the outside world about me not wanting a serious relationship brought a tangible sense of judgment and envy from many women.

I was able to overcome this, but it was not lost on me.

I see it with my female clients that I coach when they are getting divorced or dating. The shame and guilt, the desire to experience and explore their sexuality, fear, and so much more -it starts to take them down. They can't understand why they don't feel more excited, free, and liberated to enjoy pleasure or date multiple persons. Thousands of years of messaging is why. They find themselves having affairs and lying instead.

Lastly, there is a selective outrage and bar set for mothers, specifically in our culture, on what is acceptable vs. not-- one that will get knocked down through my writing, work, and example.

Not long after, Tolly published another post. It was the start of her series and included my quote—along with the mention of her friend, Molly R. Winter, the author of More.

Wait, What? Isn't that the name of the woman from the New Yorker post? Who wrote the book… I quickly looked her up. It was.

I couldn't help but feel the nudge from the universe, so I went out and purchased the book.

It was a book I couldn't put down. Her dating life as a mother in her thirties was all too relatable.

I deeply love reading educational content that provides data, history, and some science to explain how things work. BUT WHAT REALLY LIGHTS ME UP ARE MEMOIRS. I want to know the empirical data; I want to learn from someone else's experience; I want to know how they survived the thing; I want an in-depth look from top to bottom, back up, and some added sideways perspective.

I had to talk to Molly.

I wanted to tell her how much I loved that she didn't hold back talking about the sex she had.

And OMG! I felt all that anxiety and shame dating as a mother and a woman, too!

But what I really wanted to know was…

What kept you and your husband together?

And from what I read, with her experience, she would know.

Molly's answer to that question is absolute gold. Much of what she said is applicable to nearly any life or relational experience.

It's advantageous to apply it to your dating and love life regardless of your current status; it's low-key a self-help book as Molly openly shares the inquiry and discovery process she went through with her therapist, mother, husband, and others.

It's a book about womanhood.

I highly recommend you read it.

And, of course, I insist you listen to our conversation.

Molly delivers wisdom left and right.

I'm still not interested in opening up my relationship ( most of you know how long it took me to be interested in the idea of partnership! 😂)

But I am no longer skeptical about why others do and what keeps them together.