Mourning Glow Edition 1

Never a morning person, I'm having to fine tune the art of my slow roll while grieving

Mornings are not my thing. It’s not to say I’m not up before 8 or refuse to do mornings, but I have a way I like them to flow. I call it slow rolling.

I prefer them without people… unless a person is bringing me coffee in bed and then giving me an orgasm. Unfortunately, tis not the season for that.

Which I’m willing to accept as I’m in the depths of grief and it’s having its own way with me.

Let's call it a grief-gasm.

Death be-comes her.

Or simply feeling like I’ve been washed up on shore.

This has made me particularly mindful of how I'm starting my days. Listen, I’m used to waking with a sense of doom and gloom. I’ve learned to master the art of waking with it and not letting it take control of me.

But what worked before my mother passed, simply isn’t now. It could be argued that Begin Again by Taylor Swift ran its course. Spotify may have reported metrics of like 400 plays since April. It’s not okay, I know.

Anyway, I’m moving on. Or have moved on.

For our first edition of Mourning Glow, I present to you three things that are helping me slow roll with my grief in tow.

📖 I had dinner with a dear friend this week and after catching up on all things current she said, I know how much you love reading, what book has your attention. I started to explain that I had picked up The Morning Star by Karl Ove Knausgård last month, but haven’t been able to go back to it. It’s too ‘heavy’ for my brain to digest right now.

Which is disruptive to me. I like to start my day reading and writing while I drink my coffee. Reading is almost always my solution to moving through life. It’s my ‘getaway’.

She started telling me about a series of short books that she’s enjoying. Which reminded me of this summer when I read Devotion by Patti Smith. Less than 200 pages, I wasn’t overwhelmed with the weight of the book or how much more character development I had to go through in order to arrive at the plot.

Devotion is part memoir, Patti Smiths process of writing and part short story as it comes to her in real time. There was a ‘breaking of the 4th wall’ that kept me wanting more from Patti on her travels in France, but that was easy to let go of when the fictional story developed. Anyone who wonders what the creative process looks like for an artist will appreciate this book. As well as anyone whose brain is looking for light with some variety to keep it enticed.

🎧 A few days after my mother passed I found myself in NM to take care of her final wishes, see my Oma then finally recuperate in Taos with my bestie Laurel. After 5 days of journeying, I was at the ALBQ airport absolutely oblivious to the outside world. with the exception of a few men standing outside a gift shop that caught my eye. If you’ve see Hermanos Gutiérrez, you know exactly what I’m talking about. They have a style that stands out. I found myself having a brief interaction with one of the guitarists. He asked what I had been doing in ALBQ, if I lived there. I told him my mom had passed. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to be so open with this stranger, but we stood there and exchanged a fairly deep conversation that ended with, you should come to our show. Bring a friend. I think you will really like our music.

Full transparency, I wasn’t the least bit interested in his offer in that moment. Barely tethered to reality, I just wanted to go home, see my kids for the holiday and figure out how to pull off Thanksgiving.

The next morning I spoke with a friend about the interaction and his invite. She asked who. When I answered her voice went high and in disbelief. ‘Ashley?! That’s a sold out show. I’ve been hearing about these guys from everyone. You have to listen and we have to go!’

Their sound has become like a soundtrack to my life. It’s lucid, eerie and emotion provoking. We went to their show that night at Antone’s. I was shocked to see the room packed wall to wall, people eager to watch them play. It was so intimate- and spiritual.

That conversation and being introduced to their music all felt very surreal and beautiful.

It has felt like a gift from my mother.

🍄🍯 Let’s mycro…

every.

morning.

Yes, it’s true. I am like one of those mom’s/people you may have read about in Oprah Daily that has ditched her pharmaceuticals and alcohol for plant medicine. (I’m not recommending this to anyone without first consulting their physicians) 

Over the years I struggled to see any improvements in my anxiety, depression, ADHD and complex trauma disorder from the various prescription medications that were offered to me. Full transparency, I’ve never been a fan of taking medication and have always found myself defaulting to homeopathic remedies when possible. 

I’m also someone who errs on the side of paranoid. For example, my doctor prescribed me a nasal spray of Ketamine to help with my anxiety, but I was worried that something might happen if I used it.

It’s not always easy having this brain.