Is What You’re Getting Worth Grieving What You’re Not?
When “doing the work” in a relationship starts to feel like you’re the one getting worked.
I've created "The Relationship Reality Check"—a comprehensive worksheet that takes you deeper into the concepts in today's piece. It includes scoring assessments to help you identify whether you're "doing the work" or "getting worked," relationship pattern analysis, and concrete action steps for making conscious choices about your love life. This isn't just reflection—it's a practical tool you can return to whenever you need clarity about where you stand. Paying subscribers can access the full worksheet at the bottom of this email.
We’ve Been Sold Hard
“I’ve never felt more challenged by a person,” my client told me, eyes brimming. “I can’t figure it out. I know there’s a lesson for me here, but I’ve never been a quitter.”
Silence followed, just the sound of her breath — and she was running out of it. The back-and-forth, the “I’m in, I’m out,” had been the theme of our conversations for years.
We’ve all been sold the idea that “relationships are hard.” Not normal life hard — like making it through TSA without losing your will to live — but capital-H Hard, the kind you’re supposed to wear like a badge of honor. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, right?
Our culture trains us to treat love like a business startup: grind, problem-solve, pivot. We’ve been conditioned to believe that if we just work harder, show up more, or “do the work,” the relationship will eventually deliver ROI.
But maybe — not everything is figureoutable. And maybe it shouldn’t be.
Not Everything Is Figureoutable
Up until the ‘70s, most people stayed in relationships out of duty or survival. Marriage was a social and economic contract, not a connection-based one. Divorce wasn’t as viable — especially for women — so people learned to tolerate.
Then came the self-help boom and the soulmate era. Love shifted from obligation to finding “the one” who truly sees you. It sounded beautiful, but it also came with a new trap: thinking we have to “fight for it” at all costs.
Even now, with peak self-awareness podcasts in our earbuds, many of us stay in “hard” relationships because we think that’s just what love is supposed to be.
When It’s About You, Not Them
A few years ago, my dad and his wife celebrated 30 years of marriage. Impressive by any standard. I congratulated him and asked how he did it.
“Well Ash, after some time, you stop trying to change the other person and just let them be. Then, you start enjoying them and your life.”
I knew exactly what he meant. I’ve been the partner obsessed with fixing the other person “for us,” and I’ve also been on the receiving end of that project. It’s exhausting. No one wins. Once I stopped trying to rewire my partners and started focusing on my own thoughts and actions, everything shifted.
From Getting Worked to Doing the Work
Recently, I caught up with that same client. She’s in a completely different place now — calmer, more grounded, no longer waking up every day to rehash the same emotional chess match. Her face even looked different, like she’d been carrying a backpack full of rocks and finally set it down.
And she’s not alone. I’ve seen this with other clients, too: the shift that happens when they stop “working on” their partner and start working on themselves.
With my client, it started with one question: What if the work you’re doing is actually working you? She realized most of her energy wasn’t going toward building a healthy relationship — it was going toward managing his moods, anticipating his reactions, and strategizing how to “fix” things.
The tension in her voice changed. The story she was telling herself changed. The constant cycle of “will this ever get better?” was replaced with the much more honest question:
“Is what you’re getting worth grieving what you’re not?” — Terry Real
The right kind of work isn’t about reshaping your partner into who you want them to be. It’s about showing up honestly, doing your own work, and meeting in the middle — without losing yourself in the process.
Dr. Holly Richmond told me that couples therapists will often say we marry our unfinished business. Which means loving someone is going to activate many of your wounds — dredge up the work you need to do on yourself. Are you ready for that?
The Right Kind of Hard
When I look back at my own history, one thing is obvious: love comes in many flavors, but when it is mutual and committed, there will always be two people willing to do the work.
Real love wasn’t always easy, but there was always an ease — an almost gravitational pull — in coming back to one another to do the work together. And in that space, I’ve learned to love myself harder and heal in ways I never could have on my own.
Another thing Terry Real said that stuck with me is this: the day you wake up and think, I’ve made a dreadful mistake, that’s the first day of your real marriage (or commitment). I’m not suggesting love and relationships will be easy — far from it. But they are an opportunity to shift from this is hard to how can I love myself through this process?
Because the right kind of love doesn’t demand you figure them out — it challenges you to keep figuring yourself out, again and again.
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