Dumb and Dumber

"A Cycle of Deception: Falling for False Promises and Lies"

*if it pleases you, here is a playlist of songs to accompany your read*

I don’t know the number of times it’s happened. Where the banter begins; his listening ear of I’m here and promising voice of I want you. Her guard begins to lower itself. The consistent conversation of where it’s going and what it can be. Her opening of self. Him inserting himself. The spreading of legs. Him penetrating. The withdrawal. Sometimes immediate and quick. Sometimes slow and painful. 

I finished peeing and did a body scan. The residual feeling in my body; the longing and wanting; the hurt and the how; it was gone. I took the toilet paper, wiped between my legs and flushed it. 

I remembered SZA announcing to the crowd on stage last year, ‘Sometimes shit is just confusing. Sometimes it’s just I fucking hate you and that’s it.’ I don't hate anyone though. Instead, I think, instead I wish I’d never met most of the men who have come my way over the years. The sex wasn’t worth what internal chaos they brought to my life. Would I even remember some of them in the future?