Avoid the Unavailable When Looking for a Partner
RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE ATTENTION AND RESPECT, BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN OFFER THAT
Last week I was enjoying dinner with one of my guy friends at Junes when we started discussing the early stages of being divorced and the effects it has on your life. The adjustments of not seeing your kids on the daily, the ebb and flow in how you converse with your ex, the learning to be alone to the inevitable, starting to date again.
While listening to him talk and describe his current romantic experience I was reminded- and made a point to tell him- this is why I *try to not* date people who are in their first year of divorce; theyāre trying to figure out a whole new way of being, while simultaneously navigating some deep emotions. All of which, I believe, require ones attention. I donāt know many who wouldnāt describe this time as a rocky road to navigate.Ā
To add to that exploring a new relationship, which will bring with it a whole new set of emotions, requires more attention.
Youāve heard me lament over the last few columns about dating someone who was not available. Iām using ānot availableā or āunavailable in the most basic sense of the meaning; they were preoccupied with work, kid hand offs, calls with the ex, the business partners, employees, health matters and then some. He literally didnāt have the time.Ā
To top of it off, he didnāt have anything left emotionally to give at the end of each day. Who could blame him?Ā
My friends current circumstances didnāt sound much different. Nor did his story about the woman he was spending time with.Ā
Hearing my friend talk was good for me. He described the relationship as something and someone he cares deeply for and when they are together, really enjoys. But is in absolutely no place to offer more.Ā
She is ready for more. Not much more, but enough for him to say; āIām not thereā. Ā
I sat there thinking about what my friend told me. How I could totally see the unavailable man I dated saying the same to his gal pals. I could hear how much he cares for this woman and loves to be with her butā¦. I paused and before I spoke it, I felt a sense of āit kills me to say thisā but I said it anyway, āYou have to let her go.āĀ
Youāre wasting her time. Maybe youāll be ready in the future, but youāre not right now and she wants more. I imagine if you keep the door open though, sheāll continue to pursue you. She thinks youāll come around. That youāll arrive in time.Ā
Itās the most considerate, thoughtful act you can do for her.Ā
I felt guilty saying all of this because I know the pain and heartache of that door being shut.
I also know the freedom that follows.Ā
I canāt speak for my guy friend or the man I previously dated, but I have to believe they too find themselves feeling emotional discomfort knowing the canāt offer more while still showing up. I know I did when Iāve been on the other side. Dating someone with the preface of I canāt offer more but acting and treating it as if it was a relationship. Only it had an exit attached.Ā
I would find myself feeling like I was disappointing this person, questioning why they would want to keep showing up after I would decline their offer of more and navigating setting the wrong expectations.Ā
In hindsight, I wish I would have honored my boundaries and both of us because all I did was take this person on an emotional roller coaster of āI love you, but donāt want youā.
It was utterly selfish.Ā
I believe there are people out there who donāt want more and honor that for themselves. Iāve dated them and can tell you the boundaries and expectations that they set ahead of time, are so firm and non-negotiable that your brain never goes there.Ā
I also believe there is a certain level of responsibility that the person on the receiving end has to take if they continue to pursue this person.
But the examples above are not that. The unavailable persons (myself included) are not setting clear boundaries, nor are they holding them. And itās not up to other people to respect your boundaries, itās up to you to hold them.
Ultimately, if you know you donāt want more, donāt behave like it.
Profound insights. Often thereās an asymmetry between two people, what they want, where theyāre at in life. That asymmetry makes a successful relationship improbable, if not impossible. Yet, whichever pole we represent, we often lean into them because they soothe us in our exhaustion and loneliness. I am glad you framed it for me.