In 48 hours: I posted a video complaining that Liz Gilbert2 and half of social media had overshared her new memoir All the Way to The River so thoroughly there was nothing left to discover in the actual book. Then next, I’m hearing about videos of a young man’s graphic death circulating online. Then Jimmy Kimmel gets “fired for free-speech violations” by the very people who claim to be dying on the free-speech hill. And suddenly I’m reading another “priv lit” takedown of Gilbert—this time because she dared to be human, admit to codependency and love-and-sex addiction, and grow spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. 3

During these times, I am afraid to open the apps. I don’t want to risk seeing what I can’t unsee. Even when I feel compelled to weigh in, I don’t. I don’t even want to say which books I recommend or write about what mental or physical practices might be good for you, because something in this place will twist it into a target.

I keep asking: how are any of us doing this?

And by this I mean working and sharing online. At the risk of sounding insensitive to the people actually living those horrors and putting that aside for a moment, I want to know: how do you hit publish when there are 3–5 breaking moments a day? How do you care for yourself when logging on exposes you to daily psychological violence and constant chaos? Do you get trapped in analysis-paralysis, consumed by what others will think or whether you’ll be canceled? Can you grow at all when the landscape rewards attention-grabbing and outrage?

It seems to me that if you weren’t already a face or a voice before algorithms took over, and if your content doesn’t contain some element of negativity, fear, or division, it won’t make the cut. And if it does? Welcome to the hornets’ nest—attack in the comments included. You have to be immune not only to what’s being shared, but to what people think of what you’re sharing.

I’ve drastically changed what I share over the years. I no longer write stream-of-consciousness about what’s happening in my life as a mother, woman, girlfriend. I’ve lobbed myself into a “safe and sharable” zone of prescriptive anecdotes. Part of that comes from being in a 12-step recovery program these last few years and untangling who I was vs who I am and want to be; a larger part comes from how trying to grow online grooms you to perform for others and the platforms. What the ladder has done, I believe, dull my voice down.

Yesterday, Meta announced they’ll “help you tune your algorithm.” Supposedly for us. Tbh, I can’t think of a worse idea than limiting our feeds to only what we already like and agree with. It sounds like dating people who think, believe, and behave exactly like you do. I’d be my own worst nightmare. Sounds like little to no spiritual, mental, or emotional growth and a very limited experience.

Based on all that is happening, I *think I understand why they are doing it.4 But I think they are missing the plot: it’s not about serving me the “right” memes and headlines at all. For me, it’s about consent—about how I experience the media being pushed at me. I want the news. I want to hear all sides. I don’t want to be ambushed by graphic imagery in the process. That’s the customization I’m looking for.

These platforms (Substack included) roll out features “for us” while actually gaslighting us:
THIS will help you grow.
THIS will reach new audiences.
THIS will connect you with your people.
THIS!!!

And I’m the guiltiest—falling for it, gaslighting myself with the same script: THIS is what I have to do if I’m going to survive online. Meanwhile, my nervous system fries.

Then the mental gymnastics kick in: I don’t want to be on this thing / I have no choice but to be on this thing.

The cognitive dissonance is as real as the brain rot.

Oddly, what this all makes me want to do is retreat to talking bras, lingerie and sex toys. Maybe I’m nostalgic for when teaching women their bra size felt meaningful and selling sex toys felt exciting.5 Standing in the dressing rooms of my lingerie store, listening to women share what was happening in their personal lives and how they were moving through it was, in some ways, a simpler time for me.

When the girlies talk about yearning, this is what I think of. Not a man calling me ‘good girl’, not packing up my life and moving to Paris. I yearn for activities that connect me with people in real life.6 I want conversations that unfold in person, not in the comments. I want to feel the human exchange, not their curated feed.

Because what I miss isn’t just lingerie or toys. It’s the sense of intimacy, the kind that happens when you show up in a room with someone else, when you laugh together, confess together, and walk out feeling a little more alive. That’s the connection I long for. That’s what pulls me out of the racket that pretends the internet is the only place we learn, stay current, or grow.

I remember in 2020 deciding to stay offline around the election. 7I had the sneaking suspicion that when the results were announced, they would find me anyway. I didn’t need the platform to tell me what was happening. And I wasn’t wrong! Walking across the ‘pedestrian bridge’ one day, horns and flags and shouting told me everything I needed to know.

Somewhere along the line, I lost trust that what I need to know will find me, and that what I put into the world will find the people who need it. That in the in-between, I can just be.

Because the algorithm of the Universe never fails.

The Navy SEALs have a saying that’s lived rent-free in my head for years:
“We don’t rise to the level of our expectations; we fall to the level of our training.”

Why do they train so hard? Because under pressure, you don’t rise to the occasion—you sink to your preparation. The idea comes from a Greek philosopher, but the SEALs turned it into a way of life.

It came into play for me a few years ago while training for the NYC Marathon. People would ask, “Why are you running at 4 p.m. in August?”
This quote was my answer.

I’m no Navy SEAL (more like a Baby Seal), but I was logging miles in the hottest part of the day, forcing my body to adapt to heat, humidity, and hills so I could be ready—physically and mentally—for conditions I couldn’t predict.

In short: I stressed my body and mind on purpose, ahead of time.

That’s easier when you have a specific goal. But what about when life throws you something you never signed up for? When the stressor isn’t a finish line but a phone call, an ending, or a slow unraveling?

Here’s the truth: your nervous system will sink to its level of training. You’ll respond from habit.

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The Midlife Stress Reality Check

In my 20s and 30s, my nervous system was like a live wire in water—frazzled, reactive, and prone to short-circuit over the smallest disruption. With age, it didn’t get better; it got worse.

The last few years—losing my mom, navigating career highs and lows, watching my kids leave home, learning monogamy after a decade of dating, realizing retirement is nowhere in sight, and my body deciding peri/menopause is a great time to make sleep optional—was absolutely pushing my stress level to the brink, forcing me to question if I had the capacity to handle more life on life’s terms.

Good news: you can retrain your nervous system. Better news: it’s never too late to start.

Awareness is the first step:

• How do you typically react to stress?

• Can you spot the difference between the stressor (external event) and the stress (your body’s response)?

• How can you get better at choosing your response in real time?

Why Midlife Stress Feels Different

Younger stress often came with clear end dates: bad job, quit; toxic relationship, leave; broke, work more hours.

Midlife stress is layered: aging parents, teenagers, partners, money, health, hormones—and no option to burn it all down and start over. The “fuck it, I’m out” approach doesn’t hit the same, and often isn’t possible.

Our brains handle discomfort better when there’s an endpoint—like pregnancy or a degree program. Uncertain timelines? That’s when we spiral.

In my younger years, I saw constant stress as a personal attack. I’d collapse, hide, shut down. I lived in victim mode. The turning point was realizing the difference between being a victim and staying a victim.

Now, in my 40s, I still let my nervous system flood (because it will), but then I get to work on what’s in my control—starting with managing my mind and emotions before I take action.

The Four-Step Problem-Solving Framework (Midlife Edition)

When stressful situations hit, use your mind to find solutions.

1. Is this actually a problem?
   Not everything that feels disruptive is actually a problem requiring your energy. Your hairstylist cancels? Annoying, not catastrophic. Save your energy for real problems.

2. Do I want to solve it?
   This sounds obvious, but midlife has taught me that some problems belong to other people. Your adult child's relationship issues? Your ex-husband's financial struggles? Your mother's disappointment in your life choices? You get to choose which mountains you want to die on.

3. What are my actual options?

   • Easiest immediate action: What can I do right now with minimal effort?

   • Best-case scenario: What would the ideal solution look like?

   • Temporary fix: What buys me time while I figure out the long-term approach?

   • Long-term solution: What prevents this from happening again?

Asking questions engages the part of your brain that can think creatively rather than spiraling in panic.

4. What's within my control?
   The external circumstances might be random, but how I choose to think about them, who I call for help, and what I do next—all within my control.

Fear Setting: Planning for the Unpredictable

Remember when we used to think we'd have it all figured out by 40? (Cue hysterical laughter.)

Fear setting is about planning for worst-case scenarios before they happen, so your brain doesn't have to improvise during a crisis. It's particularly useful in midlife because our fears have evolved beyond "What if I fail my test?" to "What if I can't retire?" and "What if something happens to my kids?"

Grab three pages and work through this:

Page 1: Face the Fear

• Define: Write down every worst-case scenario about a situation keeping you up at night. What if your marriage doesn't survive this rough patch? What if you get laid off at 48? What if your teenager makes a dangerous choice?

• Prevent: For each nightmare scenario, brainstorm ways to reduce the odds of it happening.

• Repair: If the worst did happen, how would you bounce back? Who could you call? What resources would you need?
  Rate each fear's long-term impact on a scale of 1–10. You'll often find the "absolute worst" isn't as life-ending as it feels.

Page 2: The Upside
List everything that could go right. What if you succeed? What if you grow in the process? Rate the potential upside on the same 1–10 scale. Even partial success usually shifts your life more than you think.

Page 3: The Cost of Doing Nothing
Make three columns—6 months, 1 year, 3 years—and write what staying stuck could cost you mentally, physically, financially, emotionally. Sometimes the cost of inaction is higher than the risk of trying.

The goal isn't to become a pessimist—it's to give your brain strategies so it doesn't have to catastrophize in real time.

Completing the Stress Cycle

As the Nagoski sisters say: dealing with the stressor isn’t the same as dealing with the stress.

Your body reacts to a work deadline the same way it would to escaping a lion. If you never complete the stress cycle, you carry it with you.

Ways to close the loop:

• Move your body (even 20 minutes)

• Deep breathing

• Creative expression

• Physical affection

• Big emotions (cry/laugh)

• Sleep (the ultimate reset)

The Midlife Advantage

While stress may be heavier now, you also have:

• Pattern recognition

• Resources (social, financial, emotional)

• Clearer priorities

• Better regulation skills

• The confidence to disappoint people

What worked for you in your 20s may not work now—but you can train for this phase.

Your Stress Training Program

Like physical training, resilience is built with consistency:

• Daily: Complete the stress cycle.

• Weekly: 30 minutes of fear setting.

• Monthly: Audit relationships for stress vs. support.

• Quarterly: Check if your stress load matches your priorities.

Bottom line: Midlife will test your stress response in ways your younger self couldn’t imagine. The good news? You’ve been training for this—sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident.

The question is: are you ready to train with intention?
Because when life hits, you won’t rise to the occasion.

You’ll sink to your level of training.

What does your current stress-response training look like? What needs updating for this phase of life? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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We’ve Been Sold Hard

“I’ve never felt more challenged by a person,” my client told me, eyes brimming. “I can’t figure it out. I know there’s a lesson for me here, but I’ve never been a quitter.”

Silence followed, just the sound of her breath — and she was running out of it. The back-and-forth, the “I’m in, I’m out,” had been the theme of our conversations for years.

We’ve all been sold the idea that “relationships are hard.” Not normal life hard — like making it through TSA without losing your will to live — but capital-H Hard, the kind you’re supposed to wear like a badge of honor. Anything worth having is worth fighting for, right?

Our culture trains us to treat love like a business startup: grind, problem-solve, pivot. We’ve been conditioned to believe that if we just work harder, show up more, or “do the work,” the relationship will eventually deliver ROI.

But maybe — not everything is figureoutable. And maybe it shouldn’t be.

Not Everything Is Figureoutable

Up until the ‘70s, most people stayed in relationships out of duty or survival. Marriage was a social and economic contract, not a connection-based one. Divorce wasn’t as viable — especially for women — so people learned to tolerate.

Then came the self-help boom and the soulmate era. Love shifted from obligation to finding “the one” who truly sees you. It sounded beautiful, but it also came with a new trap: thinking we have to “fight for it” at all costs.

Even now, with peak self-awareness podcasts in our earbuds, many of us stay in “hard” relationships because we think that’s just what love is supposed to be.

When It’s About You, Not Them

A few years ago, my dad and his wife celebrated 30 years of marriage. Impressive by any standard. I congratulated him and asked how he did it.

“Well Ash, after some time, you stop trying to change the other person and just let them be. Then, you start enjoying them and your life.”

I knew exactly what he meant. I’ve been the partner obsessed with fixing the other person “for us,” and I’ve also been on the receiving end of that project. It’s exhausting. No one wins. Once I stopped trying to rewire my partners and started focusing on my own thoughts and actions, everything shifted.

From Getting Worked to Doing the Work

Recently, I caught up with that same client. She’s in a completely different place now — calmer, more grounded, no longer waking up every day to rehash the same emotional chess match. Her face even looked different, like she’d been carrying a backpack full of rocks and finally set it down.

And she’s not alone. I’ve seen this with other clients, too: the shift that happens when they stop “working on” their partner and start working on themselves.

With my client, it started with one question: What if the work you’re doing is actually working you? She realized most of her energy wasn’t going toward building a healthy relationship — it was going toward managing his moods, anticipating his reactions, and strategizing how to “fix” things.

The tension in her voice changed. The story she was telling herself changed. The constant cycle of “will this ever get better?” was replaced with the much more honest question:

“Is what you’re getting worth grieving what you’re not?” — Terry Real

The right kind of work isn’t about reshaping your partner into who you want them to be. It’s about showing up honestly, doing your own work, and meeting in the middle — without losing yourself in the process.

Dr. Holly Richmond told me that couples therapists will often say we marry our unfinished business. Which means loving someone is going to activate many of your wounds — dredge up the work you need to do on yourself. Are you ready for that?

The Right Kind of Hard

When I look back at my own history, one thing is obvious: love comes in many flavors, but when it is mutual and committed, there will always be two people willing to do the work.

Real love wasn’t always easy, but there was always an ease — an almost gravitational pull — in coming back to one another to do the work together. And in that space, I’ve learned to love myself harder and heal in ways I never could have on my own.

Another thing Terry Real said that stuck with me is this: the day you wake up and think, I’ve made a dreadful mistake, that’s the first day of your real marriage (or commitment). I’m not suggesting love and relationships will be easy — far from it. But they are an opportunity to shift from this is hard to how can I love myself through this process?

Because the right kind of love doesn’t demand you figure them out — it challenges you to keep figuring yourself out, again and again.

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The Relationship Reality Check

A Deep Dive Worksheet for Paid Subscribers ❤️

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I’d been inspired after reading a post Anne Lamott shared about getting married 3 days after she started receiving Medicaid. Her advice?

“Never give up.”

At the time, it was the perfect reminder—to myself and to my listeners—that just because our love lives weren’t shaking out the way we wanted right now, didn’t mean they wouldn’t shake out eventually.

I started thinking about acceptance, about the stories we tell ourselves when we’re in the thick of not knowing what comes next—and when it feels easier to give up on our dreams, on the vision we had for our lives, and sometimes on ourselves.

And it got me wondering…

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What if you knew—like actually believed—that in one year, or five, or twenty-five, you'd meet the love of your life? That the career you’ve always dreamed of would finally click into place? That this stuck moment you’re in right now is the exact thing you need to become the next version of yourself?

Would every “no” still feel like the end of the world?

Would every breakup unravel you?

Would being stuck feel quite so… sticky?

If you really trusted that your future self would have everything you’ve been working toward—would these moments of uncertainty, grief, or transition feel so impossible to navigate?

Would you still cling so tightly to what isn’t working?

Would you give up?

That episode resonated deeply with listeners, and lately, I’ve been thinking about it again. Especially as I watch some of us in Midlife navigating what’s next with that quiet panic underneath: Am I running out of time?

So I wanted to revisit those ideas, because if anything, they feel even more relevant now.

But first…

There’s an old joke about the Jewish telegram:
“Start worrying. Details to follow.”

Honestly, it’s how many of us approach every life transition.

We worry first. We brace for disappointment. We assume something’s about to go wrong. That things will not work out. And in the meantime, we start compromising—our values, our needs, our boundaries. We hustle for answers. We perform. We override.

Whether it’s staying in situations that drain us because change feels too risky, or rushing toward the next thing just to feel a sense of forward motion, we find ourselves reacting instead of responding.

Trying to force outcomes instead of allowing things to unfold.

It’s a “jump and figure it out on the way down” approach to living.

I’ve done it. I’ve watched the people I love and coach do it. It’s usually rooted in a deep fear that we’re behind. That we’re missing our window. That if we don’t grab something now, we may never get another chance.

But here’s the truth I had to learn the hard way:
Worry feels productive, but it’s not.

Neither is trying to control everything.

And yet our brains are so convinced it is. That if we think harder, strategize more, or stress ourselves into action, we’ll get what we want.

If we’ve learned anything by now, it’s this: life is going to life—and we have little, if any, control over what happens next.

You can control what you think, how you show up, how you spend your time—but you can’t control the circumstances.
The people.
The places.
The things.

I know—that’s an oversimplification of life on life’s terms. Trust me.

Some days I’m grounded, aligned, breathing deeply through it all.
Other days? I’m full Moira Rose in a gown, muttering “What fresh hell is this?”

But I’m learning: when we operate from scarcity—“I’m behind,” “I’ll never find love again,” “If I don’t get it now, it’s gone”—we end up making decisions from that anxious, contracted place.

And it shows.

The job interview energy? Frantic.
The dating energy? Desperate.
The daily thoughts? Exhausting.

Even if you do get the thing you were reaching for, your nervous system’s been hijacked the entire time. That stress carries into the experience—and it never feels as good as you hoped it would.

So what are we really afraid of?

It’s rarely the thing itself.

It’s what we’re making it mean if the thing doesn’t happen.

I hear these stories all the time:

“Everyone else seems to have it figured out.”
“I should be further along by now.”
“I’ve missed my chance.”
“I can’t start over at this age.”

And maybe the most daunting of all:

“I can’t be single in my 40s.”

As if relationship status past a certain age is some kind of personal failure. As if being alone now means being alone forever. As if we expire.

But who made up that timeline? Who decided your value is based on how quickly you achieve something—or whether you’ve checked the ‘right’ boxes by a certain age? (And honestly… who’s even checking?)

What if none of that is actually true?

Because here’s what I know: when you’re comparing, judging, and spiraling about where you should be, you miss what’s actually happening in your life right now. You can’t get curious. You can’t see clearly. You’re too busy panicking to notice the path forming beneath your feet.

Over the years, I’ve adopted a new belief:
I’m on a need-to-know basis.

I don’t always know why the job didn’t work out.
Or why something felt so right and then fell apart.
Or when I’ll find what I’m looking for—if I do.

What I do know is that what I’m supposed to know—and when I’m supposed to know it—always gets revealed right on time. Not a moment sooner.

I’ve tried to force answers before.
Spoiler: it never goes well.

I’ve learned that sometimes my mind and body just aren’t ready to handle the full picture.

In fact, let’s be honest—sometimes this girl can’t handle the truth.

It’s true. The truth has arrived early before, and I’ve absolutely fumbled it. That’s how I learned the art of the waiting game. Not because I’m patient by nature, but because I had to be.

And somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing waiting as punishment and started seeing it as preparation.

That’s what acceptance really is—not giving up, but softening into what is, without trying to wrestle it into what it’s not.

So, how do we stop trying to plan, control, and worry ourselves into the life we want?

We choose Plan be

—as in the verb.

We be in our bodies. We be in the now. We be in the belief that this moment—good, or bad is preparing us for what’s next.

We trust that we’re not late.

We believe that we’re not lacking.

We stop scrambling and start settling into the truth that where we are is enough for now.

And we pause.

While talking to a friend recently, he told me his therapist gave him a mantra: No sudden movements.

And I thought—yeah. We could all use that mantra to slow our roll right now.

So—attention!
Here and now.

Where are you?
What’s around you?
How does your breath feel?
What does your body need?

Can you be with your life exactly as it is?

Can you believe that this moment is the middle of something—not the end? That what’s coming next might be bigger than anything you’ve imagined?

Can you let this chapter be sacred, even if it doesn’t look the way you thought it would?

It’s human to want more. We’re wired for growth. It’s not wrong to want deeper love, a more aligned career, new experiences.

But can you want those things from a place of abundance, not panic and emptiness?

Can you anchor that desire in everything you already have?

Your grit.
Your wisdom.
Your friendships.
Your survival.
Your sense of humor.

Can you let those things hold you while the next chapter forms?

If change is meant to happen—it will.
If it’s for your greatest good—it will come.
And it will arrive when you’re ready for it, not when you try to force it.

So here’s the question:

If I could guarantee that you will become who you're meant to be, and have the life that’s truly yours...

Could you let go of control?
Could you stop searching for the answers?
Could you stop worrying?
Could you just… be with it?

And not give up?

What comes up for you when you consider living on a "need-to-know basis"? What would change if you could let go of control and just be with where you are right now?

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The phrase hit me last summer while I was talking to a guy friend about the next phase of our work.

I feel like I'm aging out of the office I'm in.

My response?

You're not aging out — you're aging in.

Did I feel odd encouraging a man to see beyond the intimidation of the youth filling up his workspace, or the threat they present in the face of aging, when its usually women who are handed the job of fighting the war on aging?

Yes and no.

It struck me how rare it is to hear men talk about aging in terms of limitation.

Women are handed that narrative early.

We don't get to "age out" quietly — we are told to fight it, fix it, freeze it.

Entire industries thrive off our fear of becoming irrelevant.

They work hard to instill fear about the natural progression of our lives, rather than encouraging us to embrace the process.

I can't help but think:

Fuck that.

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We’re Not Aging Out—We’re Aging In

Because here's the truth: we're not aging out of anything that matters—we're aging into who we were always meant to be. Into power. Into presence. Into boundaries. Into clarity. Into the kind of woman who no longer performs for approval but tells the truth even when her voice shakes. (Is it just me?)

I spent my thirties—and even my forties—listening to men and women ask, after learning I have young adult children, "What, were you twelve when you had them? (always twelve!) You look like their sister." I'm expected to thank them… fucking thank them. But all I want to say is: Yes, this is the face of a woman who raised two well-adjusted kids doing great things. Yet no one seems eager to celebrate that, at least not immediately.

When silver strands started to highlight my hairline, I received countless comments from women—they loved the look but always added, "You can do that because you're not single." It is as if I'm not swimming in the same waters that keep telling women that looking younger is the key to a good life (ironically selling "older and wiser" to teens and twenty-somethings)

It's not the silver in my roots that sets me apart.

I don't want to date or be with a man who wants me to look a certain way for him.

I did that in my twenties. Twenty-eight was the last time.

My fiancé didn't want a woman with short hair. After years of trying to appease him and feeling less like myself, I finally said, "No more."

The days of sacrificing my happiness—questioning my sense of attraction—to satisfy someone else's superficial desires? That pull doesn't work on me anymore.

Maybe that's where this whole "aging in" journey began for me.

What's Left When We Stop Performing

If I'm no longer shaping myself to be more palatable, more youthful, more desirable—for them, then who am I doing it for?

That's the question aging into has tossed in my lap.

It's not about letting myself go.

It's about letting go of what was never mine to carry in the first place.

All those years of making myself smaller, easier, and lighter. Performing coolness in dating. Performing hashtag girlboss at work. Performing beauty at every age. It was always for someone else's comfort, someone else's gaze, someone else's approval.

Rarely mine.

The irony? The more I've stopped trying to be "relevant," the more rooted, powerful, and magnetic I've become.

Not because I'm trying harder—but because I'm finally not.

There's something undeniably potent about a woman who's no longer playing by the rules, who isn't hustling to be seen or twisting herself to be chosen, and who knows that aging into means becoming the kind of person who doesn't seek permission or validation.

I used to think aging would mean I would no longer be allowed to begin new things, to fade away in the background, to stop chasing my dreams, but I've never felt more invigorated to create the life I want.

And not in the way I was taught—politely, softly, and quietly.

But in the way I was born to be: present, embodied, fully fucking here.

This is the invitation of Midlife:

To become the woman you were always meant to be.

To come home to yourself.

To stop asking for permission and start living from the inside out.

We're not aging out.

We're aging into truth, to Self, to the deepest kind of beauty.

And you know what? That's the kind of relevance no one can take from us.

What Aging In Looks Like

So what does it actually look like to age in instead of out? Here's what I've learned so far:

It's not about acceptance. It's about arrival.

Aging in means moving inward toward your authority rather than outward toward external validation. It means finally understanding that your own center is the most powerful place from which to operate.

For me, aging in has looked like:

Into my truth: I no longer contort myself into shapes that make others comfortable. The price of that has become too high.

Into embodiment. When I feel contracted or expanded, I no longer override it in the name of productivity or performance. Those sensations aren't problems to fix—they're intel. This is Body Before Business.

Into saying no without apology: Every "no" is a "yes" to something else—usually myself. I used to think boundaries were walls. Now I know they're the foundation that everything else stands on.

Into the power of enoughness: The constant striving, the perpetual self-improvement—I'm done with it. Not because I've achieved perfection, but because I've realized the chase was the trap.

Into grief, growth, softness, rage: I allow it all to live in me now. The full spectrum. No more toxic positivity, no more "good vibes only." All of it belongs.

I used to think Midlife meant loss. Now I know it's an excavation. And what I've found underneath? Power, boundaries, a voice I trust, and the woman I was always meant to be once I stopped asking for permission.

The Discomfort of Becoming

Let me be clear: this isn't all goddess circles and empowerment workshops. Aging in is uncomfortable as hell.

There's grief in letting go of who you thought you'd be. There's pain in shedding identities that no longer fit, but once kept you safe. There's terror in standing in your truth when you've spent decades surviving by adapting to others.

Most people won't age in because they're still desperately trying to maintain the performance of who they've always been. It's easier, in many ways. The devil you know.

But ask yourself: Where am I trying to age out quietly when everything in me is begging to age inward with truth?

Where are you still performing? Where are you still seeking approval? Where are you afraid to take up space?

One client told me recently that she realized she'd spent her entire life doing what she was told—college, marriage, kids, career, buying the house in 'the neighborhood'. At 47, she finally said to her partner, "I don't think I've ever actually told you what I want. I'm not sure I even know." That's the beginning of aging in.

Reframing Midlife

Midlife isn't the end. It's the fucking invitation.

The invitation to stop asking the bullshit questions we've been fed and start asking the real ones:

• Not "What do I want to do now?" but "Who do I want to be now?"

• Not "How do I stay young?" but "How do I stay true?"

• Not "How do I remain relevant?" but "What actually matters to me?"

Midlife isn't a closing door. It's a house you finally get to decorate for yourself. It's looking around and realizing you've spent decades accumulating furniture that never really suited you—that ugly-ass couch your ex chose, that uncomfortable chair you kept because it was expensive—and now, finally, you get to decide what stays and what goes.

You get to decide what matters. You get to decide who you want in your life. You get to decide how you want to feel in your body. You get to decide what success looks like.

And none of it has to look like what they told you it should. Not one damn bit of it.

The Beginning of In

You're not aging out of anything that matters. You're aging into the life that was always meant for you, once you stop asking for permission.

I invite you to journal on these questions:

• What am I aging out of that was never really mine to begin with?

• What am I ready to age into?

• Where in my life am I still performing rather than being?

• What would become possible if I stopped fearing invisibility and started embracing insight?

Aging in isn't passive. It's revolutionary. In a culture obsessed with youth and external validation, turning inward is an act of rebellion.

So rebel with me. Age into your power. Age into your voice. Age into the woman you were always meant to be.

We're not aging out. We're aging in. And there's so much waiting for us there.

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For subscribers only: What I learned from my “business autopsy,” how I shifted from quitting to fighting, and the mindset that could’ve changed everything. Includes reflection prompts to help you spot where you might be letting go too soon.

Do you ever ask yourself what you would do if you were, like some individuals, put in a situation where you had to fight for your life? Like the guy trapped under a tractor who cut off his own limb or the one lost at sea clinging to driftwood while sharks circled—when I hear stories of the human spirit pushed to the extreme, my response has always been the same: I'd rather die than endure that —my will to live just isn't that strong.

It's a shit attitude to have. First, the chances are, you won't be put to the test to fight for it on that level, so why not act a bit braggadocious and make up some shit about what you would do. Second and sadly true, it was a testament to me in general. It's no wonder no one chose me to be on their dodgeball team. I stood there begging anyone to throw the ball at me and take me out already, not put me on their team. And I only have to look back to see when faced with the daily adversities that came at me, I was more likely to dip out, quit, and give in before the fight was over.

Back then, I Didn't Have the Fight in Me

I recently sat down with Spencer Coursen on Coursen's Corner for one of the most honest conversations I've had publicly.

We talked about the messy middle of Midlife—grief, addiction, parenting through loss, sobriety, starting over, and what it really means to unfuck your life after everything falls apart. The episode is raw, honest, and full of lessons I learned hard.

During the conversation, he asked me, "When did you know you were a writer?"

I paused because I never considered myself a writer, per se. I started dropping (long-form) thoughts on Instagram and Facebook posts—just stream-of-consciousness thoughts about work, parenting, or whatever was coming up for me—and people would comment on my writing, but I didn't think much of it.

It became clear that my 'stream of consciousness' resonated with others.

At some point, a friend said, "You know that's a writing style, right?"

I didn't.

Eight years ago I posted a blog called The Unsexy Side of Entrepreneurship. I received more texts, DMs, and comments than I ever expected. People connected with my struggle as a business owner and how I let them into the behind-the-scenes mess.

I hadn't looked at this blog in, I don't know, how many years, and I decided it might be interesting to see how it fares today.

First Discovery: I may have referenced the wrong blog. I had written two within that year. 1) The Unsexy Side of Entrepreneurship and 2) When No Risk, No Reward Feels Like the Beginning of the End.

Second Discovery: I was way into changing fonts, not capitalizing words (which a celebrity writer who I will not name was shamed for last week), and not fully forming my thoughts or paragraphs. (Hence my knee-jerk reaction—I'm not a writer!)

Third Discovery: My will to fight while out at sea, trapped under a tractor or whatever analogy resonates with you, was nowhere to be found. I was done, and I knew it.

Reading My Own Obituary

Reading “The Unsexy Side of Entrepreneurship” today feels like reading my own business obituary—the writing was on the wall; I just couldn’t see it at the time.

Back then, I wrote:

"Entrepreneur, along with Disruptor, Founder, GirlBoss, Influencer, Self Made, and so on, are hot words in our culture today and impossible to avoid. In today's work culture we are seeing lifestyle bloggers, concept brands and the individuals behind them reach a broader audience than ever before, monetize and gain celebrity status success.

It's incredible.

Unless you don't find yourself or your brand making these waves.

Then it's incredibly difficult."

I was already preparing for my exit without even realizing it. I had created a narrative where success was binary—you're either making waves or drowning. There was no middle ground where you could simply swim, stroke after stroke, even when the shore wasn't in sight.

Nine months before, I had written another blog titled "When No Risk, No Reward Feels Like the Beginning of the End." The title itself foreshadowed what was coming:

"I have a history of intuitive decision-making fueled by a no-risk, no-reward attitude. This way of living was prevalent in my 20's and early 30's.

A one-way ticket to Hawaii at 19 years old? Why not.

Work for yourself while raising your babies at home? Only seems natural.

Life takes a devastating turn and it's time to get tickets to a city you've never seen? Hello Austin!

Materialize your concept in a city where you know no one? Let's do this."

I was still clinging to the romantic idea of the bold entrepreneur who leaps without looking, but the cracks in that facade were already showing. I ended that post questioning myself:

"It has crossed my mind that I might be pushing so hard to make Teddies for Bettys happen that I'm blind to the reality that it's not. But there was this familiar voice that couldn't be silenced. No Risk, No Reward, right?"

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Note: This post includes exclusive reflection prompts and journaling exercises to help you understand your own sociosexuality. Available for paying subscribers only.

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The Gap Between Liberation and Fulfillment

In my 30s and 40s, I found myself in spaces that many women might consider freeing—dating as a single mom, exploring my sexuality, and defining fulfillment outside conventional relationships. But I'd be lying if I said I had it all figured out from day one. I'd also be lying if I told you I thought being single was the solution or fix-all for your troubled relationship.

I became a single mom at 31, and while I had one serious relationship in my mid-30s, I spent most of that time charting my own course—establishing my boundaries around intimacy and redefining what fulfillment meant to me. Unlike many women I meet, I hadn't waited until Midlife to start exploring my sexuality on my own terms, nor had I stayed in relationships "for the children." I'd already lived through these realities and their complexities long before reaching my 40s.

And I had come to love my life exactly as it was.

I couldn't relate to my friends or clients who expressed concerns about leaving their current relationship for fear of "ending up alone" or saying "I can't be single in my forties." Nor could I relate to the vague platitudes:

"I can't be single because then I won't be able to have sex."

"It needs to be with someone I love and they love."

"I need to be in a relationship in order to have sex."

"I need to know I'm the only one they are having sex with to have sex with them."

"I need the other person to give me X in order for me to give them SEX."

I think this is what the kids call gatekeeping.

But what if it's not so much transactional in nature and more about our natural orientations? Think about sitting around with your group of friends or hell, to make it even easier, think of Sex and The City—each woman has her own take on sex—what she's interested in, with whom, how, and when—both in and out of relationships.

And though I can't say for certain what results a Venn diagram would produce on women and casual sex, I can tell you this: There's a concept that helps explain these differences and can assist you in better understanding why casual sex doesn't seem in alignment.

It's called Sociosexuality—the individual difference in willingness to engage in sexual activity outside committed relationships. Some researchers suggest these orientations exist on a spectrum, with individuals ranging from restricted (preferring emotional connection before physical intimacy) to unrestricted (comfortable separating physical pleasure from emotional attachment).

What I Discovered in the Dressing Room

Throughout my years in the TforB dressing room and in my coaching practice, I've worked with countless women stepping into unfamiliar terrain.

Some were leaving marriages, motivated by the seductive idea that a single life would automatically bring them more fulfillment. Others were caught in affairs, unsure how to extract themselves. Many looked at me as if I'd unlocked some secret—some magical way of moving through independence, sex, and relationships with a confidence they coveted.

I've witnessed many women (and men) embark on being single with a tangible enthusiasm. If we could bottle this chemical lubricant, we'd all be drunk on it.

What quickly became clear was that our experiences—and especially our reactions to casual sex—were fundamentally different. I imagine this might sound off-putting, as if I possess some superpower. I don't. The real explanation is much simpler and more scientific.

When Freedom Doesn't Feel Free

While I could engage without attachment, many women I worked with found themselves emotionally entangled in ways they hadn't anticipated. This wasn't just about social judgment or navigating the logistics of casual relationships—it was a deeper, more visceral friction.

They were confronting themselves and their innate patterns of connection.

On one hand, they logically pursued new ways of expressing their sexuality, which sounded great—in theory. On the other hand, they found themselves at odds internally: not feeling their needs were being met, fearing loneliness, questioning if they should have or shouldn't have been intimate, and discovering that for them to experience physical pleasure, they needed emotional connection first.

And that's where the real work began.

Despite a trending rise in conversations around women's Midlife sexual awakening, the appeal of casual sex at this life stage can look like the ultimate liberation. No strings, no commitments—just pleasure on demand. But for many women, that promised freedom doesn't feel free at all. Instead of feeling like they "finally had it all," they found themselves feeling shortchanged, questioning their choices, and recognizing that what they truly wanted wasn't just sex—it was something deeper.

The Integrity Equation

To feel whole and live within our integrity, our internal world (thoughts and feelings) must align with our external world (actions and choices). When these are misaligned, we experience a persistent, low-grade discomfort that no amount of casual encounters can satisfy.

But how do we know what's truly right for us? How do we separate what we think we should want from what actually fulfills us?

This is where understanding sociosexuality becomes invaluable.

More About Sociosexuality: Beyond Gender Stereotypes

While some view sociosexuality through a deterministic lens—often assuming women are naturally more "restricted" and men more "unrestricted"—my own experience as a woman with unrestricted tendencies challenges these oversimplifications.

To expand on what I introduced earlier:

Individuals with restricted sociosexuality prefer greater love, commitment, and emotional closeness before having sex. The physical act is intrinsically linked to emotional connection for them.

Those with unrestricted sociosexuality are more comfortable having casual sex without love, commitment, or deep emotional bonds. The physical act can be enjoyable in itself, separate from emotional attachment.

Neither orientation is better or worse—they're simply different ways of experiencing sexuality. The problem arises when you try to force yourself into patterns that contradict your authentic orientation, whether due to social pressure or internalized expectations about how someone of your gender "should" approach sex.

Sociosexuality vs. Social Conditioning: Understanding the Difference

It's important to distinguish between your sociosexual nature and the effects of social conditioning. They're interrelated but distinct:

Social conditioning refers to the messages we've absorbed about sexuality from our families, religious institutions, media, and culture. It shapes our conscious beliefs about what's "proper," "moral," or "normal" regarding sex. This conditioning can create guilt, shame, or confusion when our authentic desires don't align with what we've been taught.

For example, women are often conditioned to believe their value is tied to sexual restraint—praised for saying "no" and judged for having "too many" partners. Meanwhile, men are frequently conditioned to prove their masculinity through sexual conquest—celebrated for the same behaviors women are shamed for. This double standard creates entirely different landscapes of shame, desire, and permission that have nothing to do with innate preferences and everything to do with social control.

Sociosexuality, on the other hand, refers to your natural comfort level with sexual intimacy outside of commitment—regardless of what you've been taught to believe. It's more about how you intrinsically experience sexual desire and connection.

The gap between your sociosexual nature and your social conditioning can create internal conflict. You might have unrestricted tendencies but feel guilty about them due to conservative upbringing. Or you might have a restricted nature but feel pressure to engage in casual sex because it's portrayed as liberating or sophisticated.

True sexual liberation comes from recognizing both your conditioning and your natural tendencies, then making conscious choices about which cultural messages to keep or discard as you honor your authentic self.

My Journey From Fantasy to Reality

When I was younger, the concept of casual sex didn't exist in my consciousness. That's not to say I wasn't having one-night stands or sex with men who weren't my boyfriends. But due to purity culture and conditioning, I operated under the assumption that sexual intimacy automatically meant we were going to be together. (Distilled down, it was me giving my body to someone in exchange for commitment—a "transaction" that we girls continue to do long after we become women).

It never occurred to me that sex could be "just sex"—pleasure for pleasure's sake.

After my marriage ended, I discovered that intimacy outside committed relationships could be liberating. But as I matured, I began to understand that casual sex isn't as uncomplicated as it appears from the outside.

There's a profound difference between the fantasy and the reality of what it involves—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Owning My Power: A Moment of Clarity

Recently, my friend asked about my experience for her post "Wanting Vs. Being Wanted." She was curious about "the feeling underneath the actions that feel sexy to you, when you're with a partner." My response revealed much about my sociosexual nature:

*"I remember emerging from a decade-long relationship and discovering a new relationship with pleasure. During one afternoon encounter with a new partner, I found myself feeling overtaken by the way the sun was filling the room. My senses heightened as if so present in pleasure, and I became very conscious of this light. It painted us almost as if with a glow. I could feel him pressing deep into me, the sheets wrapped around us; when we looked into one another's eyes, holding this gaze, I felt penetrated (no pun intended) and thought, this is what they want you to think love looks like. But it's not love.

It's two people who are fucking in the afternoon while everyone else is working. Two people agreed not to tell their mutual friends—or anyone—that they were hanging out. It's two people who have no plans of being together or taking the relationship beyond the bed. It's two people who agreed to fuck for fun.

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"Get out now. You have maybe 10, max 15 good years left of sex. Go have it."

These words—delivered matter-of-factly across a dinner table in Paris by a woman in her late fifties—would fundamentally reshape my relationship with pleasure, partnership, and ultimately, myself.

I was in my mid-thirties at the time, fresh from expressing dissatisfaction about the partnership I was in and uncertain what I wanted. Her blunt assessment struck me as almost comical then. The idea that good — wait, great sex wasn't eternal? That menopause would bring hormonal shifts that weren't yet on my radar? It seemed distant, and impossible.

Now I understand her words were the paradigm shift I didn't know I needed—not just about sex, but about embracing life on my own terms.

It was a permission slip to explore both sexual freedom and the profound independence that comes with being truly comfortable in your solitude. In prioritizing great sex, I discovered something else: the power of being self-sufficient, emotionally complete without needing a relationship to validate my existence.

The Journey to Self-Partnered

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The medical researchers or scientists, another unattributed source, had researched a cow's clit, declared it had over 8000 nerve endings, and called it a day. 

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that these guys couldn't finish the job on clitorial research? 

I mean, the nerve!

Speaking of nerves, I struck a major one this week with someone on Substack. While much of the world grappled with election results, I decided to stay in my lane and promote meditation + masturbation. Not to be cute (though capturing attention is kind of the point online) but to remind people to self-regulate when flooded with cortisol, adrenaline, and other stress hormones.

We were having fun until one woman commented 'TRASH' on my post. A post encouraging women to share how many orgasms they had that day. IDK. Something about that kind of post going viral in the face of all the other insanity flooding our feeds struck me as a bit radical. 

I thought, 'This is why people struggle to be online.' But instead of taking a deep breath and practicing 'restraint of tongue and pen,' my higher self hopped in the backseat, and I reposted her comment. 

That was a big mistake on my part. HUGE!

In less than a minute, the name calling began and my nervous system lit up like a Christmas tree. I deleted, blocked, and took a breath. Thus, another day online. I could have just commented, 'Different strokes for different folks,' or ignored it altogether. I know better.  

What I can't figure out is how my content continues to reach those who would label my sex positivity as me being a 'whore'; it's beyond my understanding of algorithms. What I can say is that I personally have finally become desensitized to being called a 'whore'. 

Lately, I've noticed—and heard from others—that sharing online is less about thoughtfully exchanging ideas and more about navigating landmines. Will this offend someone? Will I get blasted? Canceled?

And for those who aren't posting, scrolling is just as exhausting. We're mentally bombarded with images and ideas we don't want to see, didn't ask for, and aren't even sure are true—or worse, believe to be true.

It's as if our human brain, designed to scan for danger and assess its surroundings every six seconds (yes, six seconds!) for safety, now faces an endless barrage of fear and stress 24/7—all at the touch of a screen.

Many are on edge. Some are tipping over into full-blown survival mode.

We often use the term touched out to describe mothers or caregivers who feel so overwhelmed by constant physical touch that one more attempt at connection feels unbearable. 

But now, I'd argue, we are a society touched out from our touch screens.

This overstimulation is hijacking our emotional and energetic states. We're shutting down, burning out, or living in a constant fight-or-flight state—and it's not okay.

The obvious advice is to spend less time online. But let's be honest: going offline isn't realistic for everyone. And even IRL relationships can trigger the same emotional disturbances. The solution isn't simply logging off; it's about self-regulation and putting your Body before Business.

It's about knowing you have choice. 

When your body feels regulated and balanced, your nervous system has the opportunity to reset. Instead of operating in a constant state of alarm, your body begins to recover, making it possible to respond to stress with clarity instead of reacting in survival mode.

But here's the catch: regulation doesn't happen automatically. It doesn't just show up because we need it to. It's cultivated by how we manage our thoughts, what we focus on, and the choices we make to anchor ourselves amidst chaos.

This is why managing your thoughts isn't just a feel-good mantra—it's a survival skill in midlife. 

We’ve never needed to be in our bodies more than we do now in today's information overload.

Our thoughts about what is going on or going to happen— and everything in between— matter. They shape our emotional reality, which in turn influences our physiological state.

We must actively call out our narratives that keep us in survival mode. It's about reclaiming your sense of calm and control—not by ignoring what's happening around you but by creating a foundation within yourself to handle it.

To unf*ck the stress and keep ourselves grounded, we need to get out of our minds and into our bodies. When we focus on regulating our nervous system and setting the tone for the day, we create the stability needed to handle the mental and emotional load that life brings. Practices like morning routines, mindful breathing, pleasure practices and movement aren't just about self-care but building resilience. When we lead with our bodies, we give ourselves the strength to face whatever comes next with clarity and control. 

This is where "Body Before Business" comes in. You want to get on your nerves before entering the day.

Get That Morning Light

First, Get outside or near a window and soak up some natural light. Let it hit your skin and eyes (no sunglasses yet). This signals to your body that it's time to wake up and releases your cortisol on schedule, setting you up for better energy all day.

Hydrate and Fuel Up

While you're out there enjoying the sun, sip a big glass of water with a pinch of sea salt or electrolytes to rehydrate after sleep.

Then, eat a protein-packed meal within an hour of waking. This keeps blood sugar and cortisol steady, so you're not hangry by 10 a.m.

Move Your Body

Stretch it out with some gentle yoga moves like cat-cows or forward folds. Feeling spicy? Dance!

Breathe (Like You Mean It)

Practice Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Do this for a few minutes to shift your nervous system into calm mode.

Or focus on slow, deep belly breaths. Inhale like you're inflating a balloon in your stomach, and exhale like you're gently letting the air out.

Get Your Head Straight (AKA Journaling)

Take 5-10 minutes to write down your thoughts. Ask yourself:

What's actually true right now?

What story am I telling myself about it?

What's a better way to look at this?

Journaling helps clear the mental clutter so you can start fresh, not carrying yesterday's drama into today.

Create a Transition Ritual

Before diving into the day, set the tone. Light a candle, play some music, or diffuse energizing essential oils. *These actions trigger the brain's sensory pathways, promoting relaxation and a sense of calm, and have been shown to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces stress and encourages safety*

Midday Reset: When the Day Starts Getting to You

Pause and Breathe

Step away from the screens and take a few minutes for 5-7-8. Breathing: Inhale for 5 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8. It's like hitting the reset button for your nervous system.

Shake It Out

Stand up and shake out your hands, arms, and legs. Stress builds up in your body, and a quick shake can help release it. DANCE

Get Outside

Spend 5 minutes outside. Feel the ground beneath your feet, breathe in the air, or look at the sky. Bonus: More natural light to keep your energy up.

Check-in With Yourself (More Journaling)

Take a moment to ask:

What's actually working right now?

What can I let go of for the rest of the day?

How can I make the next few hours easier?

Writing it down gives you perspective and helps you refocus on what really matters.

Refuel and Rehydrate

Grab a snack to stabilize your energy—nuts, fruit with almond butter, or a boiled egg. And don’t forget to drink more water!

The reality is, people are going to get on our nerves, we’re going to feel stressed, and we’ll probably find ourselves in full-on overwhelm at times. We’re human, and the world around us is wild. But if we can learn to get on our own nerves—in a productive way, and maybe even a pleasurable one—we just might strike the balance we need to stay in our lane.

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RELATED POSTS 👇

It’s a clearing and cleansing that is unmistakable. There is the obvious of the two that takes place in the physical sense; one begins reclaiming all the drawers and closet, choosing if and when the TV airs or music blares, to take up all sides of the bed. Then there is an internal clearing and cleansing; a release of the proverbial parts of you that were once merged or tied to another as your language and thoughts shift from ‘we’ to ‘me’.

For some it’s a simple, but profound sense that for the first time in a long time, you can simply. just. breathe. 

You’ve long waited to arrive where the two roads would diverge and you could journey down the one less traveled known as “Single Minded”. Convinced that you are ready and prepared for what lies ahead, you start to think like a single-minded person would. It’s as if a switch goes off activating your mind to open up and explore ideas and possibilities that you hadn’t considered or weren’t available to you while in partnership.

I know I’m not alone when I share the main sentiment or train of thought upon arriving at this juncture; “the last thing on my mind is another relationship…”

We find ourselves saying; “I’m looking forward to finally being alone, spending time getting to know me, focusing on my kids, my jobs, exploring new hobbies and friends… finding out who I am outside of a relationship.”

And yet, almost as soon as we are single and alone, we find ourselves talking to, texting with, dating and/ or fucking someone else. If not sooner. As if totally out of our control, we find ourselves being pulled pack to the road more often taken known as, "Not Traveled Alone”

I know what you’re thinking; Isn’t that the benefit of being single? Being able to do what we want AND who we want?

I want to say “YES, IT IS!!”. There is a small percentage of you that will stay committed to discovering a version of yourself that you’ve never experienced as a single person. There is another small percentage of you that will be able to do that and integrate another or others into your life all without losing your footing and your single state of mind.

Unfortunately, that’s not the majority and few of you will benefit from off roading back and forth between being single and not alone. In fact, most of you will start getting emotionally engaged and entangled with another and quickly lose sight of being single as you succumb to the distraction of attraction, finding yourself feeling lost between the two roads.

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Our minds can’t help but go into an over-processing mode with each new conversation and encounter; is this going to be something? I haven’t felt this way before. I wonder if they are seeing other people? Should I stop seeing other people? I didn’t think I was ready for something… Do they think this is something?

You go from single minded to overdrive in an instant.

*Prepare yourself for a wreck if the other person is love bombing you*

It’s important to note that there is zero shame in finding yourself excited and enjoying the newness of being pursued or in pursuing others. After years of dormant desire, along with many other emotions, there is a quality of aliveness and newness that you are experiencing; not only is it fun, it’s literally intoxicating making it nearly impossible to resist. This intoxication is not by faulty design either. In fact, humans are wired on an evolutionary, neurological and social level to desire connection with others for our survival. To remain single and alone is harder in every aspect as it goes against the very nature of our hardwiring.

I was talking with a friend over dinner one night who shared with me that she made the decision to end her 30+ year marriage a little over 2 years ago. She confidently decided to embrace being, not just single, but alone in her mid 50’s. She changed her career, continued supporting her college aged kids and built a community of friends in her new town. Her voice started to falter when she began describing the experience of being approached by someone expressed interest in her; “I was utterly unprepared. I had no intentions of ever being with someone again. ”

Her single state of mind became overwhelmed with fear, desire, doubt, excitement, guilt, confusion and promise as she considered getting involved with him. After choosing not to be in relationship, she felt blindsided by romance.

It’s estimated that 70-80% of people who get divorced will either remarry (w/in 3-5 years) or end not single.

I imagine many of us coming out of relationships desiring to be single and alone is directly related to how much we felt we were giving, or gave up. We are tapped out, under-resourced and have this sense that we don’t know who we are. I can’t count the number of times I’ve started with a new client and their first words were, I’ve lost myself- I’ve forgotten who I am- And I don’t know what I want.

To not know where you are, how you got there and with no idea of where you want to go is as groundless as it gets.

It makes sense that we would exit a relationship feeling relieved while also firmly declaring to anyone who is listening, ‘I’m not interested in a relationship’. It’s probably something we need to hear ourselves say in an effort to prevent us from going back to where we came from; isolated and lonely while not traveling alone.

I also believe it’s harder for us to admit to ourselves and others that we are desperately craving love and connection. That we really don’t want to do life alone.

Spend some time examining your actions and the experiences being created in your life and with others. Are they aligned with what you are saying?

You’ll know if you are serious about wanting to be single and alone or single and not alone.

What we believe in our marrow is what we manifest and materialize.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting both if you can practice being radically honest with yourself and others.

Can you honestly say that when you’re dating, you’re not mentally and emotionally preoccupied by the other person or people; checking their instagrams, analyzing texts, the time between, if they are talking to others, what they meant when they said.

Can honestly say that you don’t get your feelings hurt or find yourself ruminating when you don’t hear back from someone you’re texting or talking to or they cancel plans; that you don’t start to create expectations.

Can you honestly say that you have communicated healthy boundaries with the people you are engaging with; agreed what the relationship is vs isn’t, and are practicing safe sex knowing?

Can you honestly say that you are not emotionally dependent or reliant on these other people; sharing and bonding over past traumas or modern day drama?

Can you honestly say you’re still 100% focused on your single self at the same time, enjoying not being alone?

If you are struggling or contending with the thoughts and emotions mentioned, you’re human. The answer is not about not feeling. It is about learning to manage your mind and emotions. It is about staying in your lane. It is about compartmentalizing. It is about having discipline. It is about prioritizing yourself.

It is about mastering the art and skill of being single minded.

I’ve had almost as many years married as I have been single and divorced. I have dated casually, monogamously, openly, whatever you want to call it. I have taken breaks to solely be a self partner. I have been the person who couldn’t wait to do what she wanted after her first divorce. I have been the person who had an affair before her second divorce. I have all along said I need to focus on me and my kids and my career.

What I am saying is that I’ve traveled the roads, been off road, circled cul de sacs, arrived at a few dead ends, gone against traffic, made my own roads, caused some damage -unfortunately this included collateral damage that was unrepairable- and have discovered this:

All the roads are interconnected, leading you back to your Self one way, or another.

And as long as you continue on the road to Self; get honest with yourself and what you want, prioritize the relationship you have with you, your well-being and that of others while remaining open to what’s in front of you, you’ll always be heading in the right direction regardless of your status.

How does one tailor a conversation as broad as sex and intimacy, yet personalized enough that speaks to the individuals in the group? Especially when talking to women about sex; each of us with our different experiences past and present; the multitude of cultural and religious conditioning informing each of us in ways that we are not aware of or all too aware of; our different preferences of how and/or (in)ability to receive/ achieve orgasm and states of pleasure. 

It was weeks of mental gymnastics. It wasn’t until the day before the event that I landed on a topic I believed had the potential to resonate with a room of listeners. 

And I knew in my marrow after I heard myself being introduced as ‘This is Ashley Kelsch and she is a Sex-Pert’, that I had chosen correctly. I stared at a room of blank, wide eyed faces (maybe they were mirroring mine) and immediately tried to laugh off the discomfort I felt. 

‘Hi, My name is Ashley Kelsch and I’m an expert at having sex with myself. Not sex, in general. Which is what I thought we could talk about tonight: sex with yourself. A self pleasuring practice. Masturbation.’

After some mild laughter from the group, I began sharing a bit about my journey and opened up the room for discussion.  

Following the evening, I thought about my instinct not to present as an ‘expert’ when I was reminded of the slight tinge of discomfort I felt when I saw their faces looking back at me.

Faces that said, 

For the love of God…. I don't need more advice. 

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As a woman who in the last five to seven years started to shed the skin of her former socialized self and stopped doing and being what everyone around her insisted she needed to be; a good wife, a good fuck, a good mother, a good friend, a good earner, a good girl; I knew that face all too well.

It was the face of ‘faking it’ while riding the mental masturbation that has come to be her life; do this, don’t do that; say it like this, don’t say it like that; be this way, not that way and you will reach states of satisfaction and fulfillment. 

A face that knew whatever advice she was being given, wouldn’t feel as good as they promised it would.

Would you like to know the most common answer I get when I ask my clients what they want out of life?

“I Don’t Know” 

Would you like to know what most of the women have to say about their pleasure practice?

She doesn’t have time. She’s not in the mood. She’s touched out. 

From years of listening to other women talk about their sex lives and own pleasure, I have concluded that a majority of women have learned about their own bodies and pleasure by way of another person's hands, wants and desires; by listening to the needs of others; by doing what she has been told and/or is expected of her.

Just like she has in her personal life. 

A couple of weeks ago, Bumble decided to target-market to women who were fed up with online dating and app culture with a blazoned ad campaign, ‘Celibacy is not the answer’ along with a few other taglines that caused their users to not just want to quit on dating and sex, but hop off the dating app and pop off on social media. The attention and backlash Bumbled received was loud enough for them to pull the adverts, make a public apology and offer large monetary donations to organizations that support ending violence against women. 

A journalist from The Huffington Post reached out to get my comments for her piece and asked,

What were your thoughts on Bumble's anti-celibacy ad?

I can see what Bumble was trying to accomplish with this ad by speaking to a large collective of women who are over dating, hook up culture and apps, believing the solution is to give up on men/sex and quit  altogether. She is frustrated, disappointed and exhausted. 

Unfortunately, they missed the mark by a mile when they took agency and choice away from their users and instead became just another talking head telling her what to do. 

Culturally speaking, women are finding themselves in a precarious position when it comes to their bodies and sex; for the first time in history we have more freedom; to be single or married, choice to have children or not, freedom to have sex with multiple partners or not, to work, have our own money…

While on the other hand, we are still being policed and watching policies be restored that control and violate our inherent rights. 

Instead of telling her what to do, why not try asking her what she wants. 

RELATED: My 2021 Tribeza Column; NO DATING OR SEX FOR 90 DAYS

*part of the reason H.Post reached out to me was based on this column

While all of this was unraveling, a professional football player whose name I won’t remember made a commencement speech to the graduating class of Benedictine College. It’s worth noting, a Catholic School whose audience I assume has similar values and belief systems. He had a special message for the women in the audience: Make homemaking your vocation! He even included several special shout outs like, ‘it’s a sin to be queer and abortion is murder.’ What a Saint. (to be clear I don’t support any of his messaging)

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The Sisters of Mount St. Scholastica and the NFL Commission made public statements separating themselves from his statements.

To say that week in the media caused a splash in my algorithm, would be an understatement as the pendulum swung aggressively back and forth…  

“Girls…. DATE!  Have SEX!!!!! Hook Up! It’s your right!!”

“There’s NO Shame in Celibacy!!! DO YOU, NOT THEM!!!”

“Ladies… GET MARRIED!  Stay HOME!!! Your dream is not a career! It’s supporting someone else's!!!”

"Supporting your husband IS real work!!”

Everyone, everywhere telling women what she should and shouldn’t do.

Be Slutty Vs Stay Home// Be Slutty or Go Home // Be Slutty At Home (personal fav)

Some were oblivious. Others were outraged. 

For half a second I thought, Wait. What?! Why is everyone so upset? To me, it seemed, another day in the life of Western Culture. 

And don’t these messages basically cancel each other out? 

Okay, yes there is the obvious glaring undertone that these messages benefit men, but even that isn’t shocking. None of this is new. 

So why is this a problem? In my likely, unpopular opinion?

It’s not.

That is, unless you are unaware of your agency and choice in a world that is- and will forever be- telling and selling you it’s agenda. 

If you aren’t working on becoming an expert at your life and mastering your Self, you will be left circling the drain while everyone washes their opinions and advice all over you

That’s a problem .

Do you want to know what’s been most wild to me about my practice of self pleasure? That it has been less about masturbation and more about Self Mastery.

Self-mastery

Noun;

The conscious control of one's behaviour; self-command. 

“When you have developed self-mastery, you have the ability to control yourself in all situations, and you move forward consciously and steadily towards your goals. You know your purpose, and you have the self-discipline needed to do things in a deliberate, focused, and honorable way.

Self-mastery also means mastering your emotions, impulses, and actions, and is vital if you want to achieve your goals in life.” Source; Mindtools

I came to know myself  (no pun intended) learning how to be in my body and getting out of my mind. In the beginning it was about achieving or reaching orgasmic states which then evolved into relieving stress which eventually led to discovering new sensations, which led to releasing stored emotions, which led to seeing painful, shameful narratives and experiences that I had been holding on to which led to letting go of old conditioning and beliefs that led to healing and deepening a relationship with Myself.

It was a process of Self Discovery. For the first time in my life I became conscious of something no one had ever told me; That my pleasure- and my answers- were in me. Not outside of me. 

Arriving at this truth has been better than any blended orgasm I’ve felt.

Self Pleasure 👉 Self Discovery = Self Mastery 

I’ve unsubscribed from social expectations and pressure from a world that doesn’t know what’s best for me. I’d say that I’m almost immune to most of the messaging, but every once in a while I rub up against it.

And when I do, I go deeper within myself to listen. 

Deciding consciously what I want to choose, while knowing it’s all an option, has opened me up to living my truth and freed me from faking it for so many. In other words, in living a lie.

Real change, be it with your Self, socially or globally, all starts and comes from within. I'm not suggesting it has to come from between your legs (even if it is the best feeling option), but it does require taking the time to examine your thoughts and beliefs, your own socialization and conditioning; what you were taught growing up by your family, the media, the church, your friends and so on about sex, politics, religion, your body, behaviors, values, priorities etc. And then choosing which of those ideas you want to deconstruct, burn down, rebuild or construct for yourSelf.

I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I promise, if you dial down the outside noise and tune IN, you will hear a voice say,

“I know what I want…” 

This email might get lost in the Super Bowl buzz. Honestly, I have it on too—not because I’m into football, or Taylor Swift—but because the sound of it is comforting.

And apparently, it is a good game. Tied in the 4th. Three minutes left.

Tension.

Literal nail-biter, if the shots of Taylor in the suite say anything.

Last week, I had my own version of that tension—except it wasn’t fun. Someone, likely with multiple Instagram accounts, started leaving harassing comments on my reels.

They called me cringey, too old, a parasite w-h-o-r-e. Said I left my ex with nothing. Accused me of having an affair (which I’ve talked about openly) and claimed I just love hearing myself talk.

That last one? Fair. I do love hearing myself. Especially now that I finally have something to say.

But when their second comment referenced my former partner by a nickname only a few people use, something shifted. It felt... closer. Too close.

By the third comment, my nervous system hit full alert. I went from regulated, to hyper-activated, to shut down in minutes. Sitting in my writing chair with my laptop on my lap and my phone in hand, I felt myself start to power down.

Hypo-state.
This is the danger zone for me—the part where I check out, where a nap starts sounding like the answer to everything. Too tense to stay in the game.

I closed my laptop, sat still, and began to repeat:

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Last month, a business mentor asked me how I handle problems. What’s your process?

I surprised myself with the answer—and how nervous I was to say it out loud:

I hand them over to my Higher Power.

Because I’ve learned: I can’t trust my brain as CEO.
And my company motto?

Don’t take the first think.

If you’ve followed my work or podcast, you know the drill:
Observe your reaction.
Choose your response.

The truth? Their words didn’t hurt me.
I’ve spoken about my past, my affair, my mistakes. I know my relationship with my co-parent. I know my truth.
But the comments did hit something deeper.

Something tender.
Something I hadn’t yet faced.
Something I’m still operating from.

And for that—I’m grateful.
To the commenter.
To my Higher Power.
For showing me what still needs healing.

On this week’s episode of Wait, What?
— Monica Lewinsky & cyberbullying
— Aging bodies and letting go
— Clean pain vs. dirty drama
— And the art of staying present when all you want to do is disappear

Speaking of tense—THAT GAME.
For a minute, I thought Taylor Swift might throw up.

Honestly? I get it.

Talk to you Tuesday.
Love,
ash

I know I promised a column yesterday on what this last year has been like since my mom passed away, but I opted to not hit publish. The more I sat with yesterday marking ‘officially one year’ the more I felt the need to be quiet and hold that space for myself.

To publish it now would mean engaging with my emotions outwardly with each of you, which I want to do, but not until I have a few more breaths on my own.

For now, here is an advice column I wrote for Tribeza JULY 30, 2021. It’s never been shared here on Substack. I’m not sure how it applies to my current beliefs today, but I think it’s an interesting topic AND a great exercise in seeing where I was mentally then vs where I am now.

I have to admit, part of the reason I thought to share it has everything to do with the fact that only days ago I tried to set my friend up with a guy I dated this year. He’s a 10 out of 10 in my experience.

A rating I’m confident to give because I’ve been there.

It’s possible it might have been weird to each of them, but my thought was this;

If the love and fun isn’t meant to be between us, why would I not want someone else to experience all that goodness?

Why would I keep it to myself or restrict others from it?

Full transparency, I wouldn’t be as willing or open to suggest the person or people I’m currently dating to my friends. I’m not that evolved…

yet 🤷‍♀️ question mark (said like ron burgundy)

Let’s read as a community, dissect and discuss!

Love you friends,

stay foxy🦊

(again, like ron burgundy)

I REMEMBER THIS MOMENT in time during my sophomore year of high school when my friend and I both noticed and fell for the same boy while standing in the lunch line. Each day, we hoped to be somewhere near or in the vicinity of said boy so we could maybe get his attention. At the very least, we wanted to be near him so we — okay, just me — could smell that intoxicating combo of his after gym sweat and Calvin Klein cologne.

This went on for weeks: My friend and I would stand there face to face, talking but not too seriously in case he wanted to speak with us. Or, we might stand side by side in silence so he knew we were there and available in case he wanted to say something … anything!

One day, as we were walking away with our foil-wrapped hotdogs or something, he said, “Hey.” We both turned and looked at him, and he added, “Would you like to go out with me?”

I started to answer “yes,” but didn’t get it out because my friend said, “Which one of us are you talking to?”

As fast and fleeting as that moment was, I do remember realizing that maybe he wasn’t talking to me.

And then he looked at my friend and said, “You.”

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On our way into the venue, we passed a man heading out the door. He and my date casually greeted each other with a “Hey man, what’s up? Good to see you” fly-by. I remember looking at the man and saying, “Hi, nice to see you,” while simultaneously thinking, “He looks familiar, but how do I know him?”

Before I could piece it together, my date turned around and said, “Did you have sex with that guy?” Not in an accusatory way, but a curious, please say no kind of way. We had barely made it through the door. I froze. Then I laughed awkwardly and said, “Who was that? He looks familiar, but I can’t place him.”

The guy I was with then gave me his 1-star review of the man who’d just left while I stood there not really listening nor interested in figuring out how I knew him, but in disbelief that my date asked me something so directly that was so personal.

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When he finished, I looked at him and told him that who I have had sex with wasn’t really his business unless I chose to make it so. In the future, I added, please don’t ask me that again.

It occurred to me that I had never advocated for myself in this way, which explained my hesitation and delayed response. I remember thinking, “I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

LISTEN: An Orgasm Is Like Lunch

Earlier in my dating life, which started in my 30s, I thought I was supposed to share my dating history with my new potential partners – especially if we were in social settings with someone I’d been involved with. I believed it might be weird if I didn’t mention it and they found out later.

I felt, in some odd way, obligated.

But buried in that belief was me sharing something I wasn’t comfortable with for the sake of the other person. I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable even though protecting him would make me feel uncomfortable.

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The more time I’ve spent studying my own attachment style and the theory in general, the more understanding I’ve had not only for myself, but the other people I’m dating or in relation to. 

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I joke that having this information is like having a Dating for Dummies Guide book. 

And that it may decrease your chances of becoming DickMAtiZeD!!!! or No, don’t say it…., CunTStruCk!!!

Ahhhhhhh for Fox Sake!!! Make the drama end, but let the sex be great!!

Distinguishing normal dating anxiety from hyper-vigilant behaviors is crucial for healthy emotional regulation. 

Let today’s conversation be all you need to dive a little deeper into exploring Attachment Theory.

It IS like having a cheat sheet in the wild that shows you your blind spots! 

I hope you enjoy the show!

xx,

ash

What You Will Discover: 🤼🍯🫶

• Trauma's effect on attachment styles and relationships.

• Shifting patterns by embracing conscious awareness and self-awareness.

• Recognizing positive experiences to overcome the focus on negatives.

• Understanding the reticular activating system's impact on perception.

• Transitioning from fear-based thinking to love-based empowerment.

• Importance of self-love and internal transformation.

• Reclaiming power and happiness from external sources.

• The role of self-fulfilling prophecies in relationships.

• Creating new neural pathways for healthier responses.

• Transformative potential of reorganizing one's internal world.

Angela Wetzel specializes in helping high achievers and purpose-driven people resolve the blocks that keep them from having the love they want with her knowledge of attachment theory, trauma, relationship strategies, masculine and feminine energy dynamics, polarity and neuroscience. 

Aside from being a giant relationship nerd reading and studying all the things while studying with the industries top experts…she was a former Korean Linguist and Sergeant in the US Army, worked as a government contractor for the office of naval intelligence, has been an actor and writer pretty much all of her life.

Click here to find out more about Angela's programs or to follow her instagram

We all have moments when we say the wrong thing or don’t show up as our best selves and someone’s feelings get hurt. Likewise, we are all capable of losing our temper—unreasonably, perhaps—when our partner shows up late to dinner even after we said, “It’s important that you show up on time.” Conflict occurs constantly. Yet very few of us are taught how to communicate about it or handle the flood of emotions that can consume us when it shows up.

What I see in my personal life and while working with clients is that most of us don’t effectively air our grievances and we assume the other person in the tussle knows all about our hang-ups.

LISTEN: Is That So? A Strategy on How to Tame Your Brain & Manage Your Thoughts

How could he not know how upset I am? She should call and admit she was wrong. Send flowers. Beg for forgiveness. How could he say those words that hurt me? She knows being on time is important to me.

Instead of addressing the problem, people tend to spend days—sometimes weeks—trying to solve it on their own. Doing this usually takes us deeper into another layer of emotions, compounding the experience and frustration. But if it’s my brain that has the issue, the likelihood of that same brain effectively addressing said issue is unlikely. At first, we were hurt or offended; now we are that plus frustrated, resentful and angry.

And that just feels terrible.

Read: An Amateur. Reflections on my ever evolving relationship with sexuality and pornography

We tend to trade the discomfort of hard conversations for staying disconnected from the other person involved, but this only puts off the inevitable. I urge my clients to make a U-turn, so they look at themselves first to establish an understanding of what is happening in their mind when they are upset with someone else.

When we feel attacked, our defenses go up and we of react. How this plays out for us individually will look different based on the systems set in place from our life experience, but many people will replay the instigating event in their head 17 different ways and plan what to do next.

“Conflict occurs constantly. Yet very few of us are taught how to communicate about it or handle the flood of emotions that can consume us when it shows up.”

I call this a thought error. We keep going around and around about what he did wrong and how right you are, gathering more and more evidence to support your case.

You’re in a trance, Tara Brach would say. Your brain has been hijacked, Daniel Goldman would claim based on his book, Emotional Intelligence. Basically, in these moments we aren’t thinking rationally.

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Here’s what you can do: Drop an anchor right where you are and regulate your thoughts. Identify and create awareness around what you are thinking, how you are feeling and what you are doing and not doing when you are upset with someone. Put some space between the way you feel and taking any actions.

RELATED: Ashley Explores the “Friends First” Strategy

This simple act will shift you out of the experience and into being the watcher. From there, you can dissect the story and clean up your thinking. Ask yourself, what are the facts? Would everyone agree that it happened that way? How does that feel for you? Ask yourself how you want to feel or would need to feel to reach out to the other person to discuss. Useful emotions like compassion, understanding, curiosity or confusion (my favorite) are helpful in these scenarios.

Next, be willing to be wrong. I know. This doesn’t feel good, and your brain is going to resist it ten times over. But for us to authentically clean up our thoughts, we must be willing to be wrong. We each have our version of the truth. When we acknowledge this, we can begin to understand where the other person is coming from.

When the time comes to talk it out, explain what you see but ask them to tell you what you’re missing. This is where confusion comes in handy: “I’m confused … when we talked about dinner plans and meeting at 7, I thought we both agreed. What did I miss?” You don’t need them to understand your feelings. But you do need to understand their point of view.

Once you hear their perspective, identify just the facts of what happened. What you could both prove in the court of law? Then define the meaning attached by each party to the action that ignited the conflict: “When you did this, I took it to mean this. And you made it mean this…”

Lastly, agree to spend your energy focusing on coming up with solutions, not rehashing what happened. Learning to have a difficult conversation like this will deepen your connections and relationships, while teaching you how to be responsible for your own emotions.

While listening to him talk and describe his current romantic experience I was reminded- and made a point to tell him- this is why I *try to not* date people who are in their first year of divorce; they’re trying to figure out a whole new way of being, while simultaneously navigating some deep emotions. All of which, I believe, require ones attention. I don’t know many who wouldn’t describe this time as a rocky road to navigate. 

To add to that exploring a new relationship, which will bring with it a whole new set of emotions, requires more attention.

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You’ve heard me lament over the last few columns about dating someone who was not available. I’m using ‘not available’ or ‘unavailable in the most basic sense of the meaning; they were preoccupied with work, kid hand offs, calls with the ex, the business partners, employees, health matters and then some. He literally didn’t have the time. 

To top of it off, he didn’t have anything left emotionally to give at the end of each day. Who could blame him? 

My friends current circumstances didn’t sound much different. Nor did his story about the woman he was spending time with. 

Hearing my friend talk was good for me. He described the relationship as something and someone he cares deeply for and when they are together, really enjoys. But is in absolutely no place to offer more. 

She is ready for more. Not much more, but enough for him to say; “I’m not there”.  

I sat there thinking about what my friend told me. How I could totally see the unavailable man I dated saying the same to his gal pals. I could hear how much he cares for this woman and loves to be with her but…. I paused and before I spoke it, I felt a sense of ‘it kills me to say this’ but I said it anyway, ‘You have to let her go.’ 

You’re wasting her time. Maybe you’ll be ready in the future, but you’re not right now and she wants more. I imagine if you keep the door open though, she’ll continue to pursue you. She thinks you’ll come around. That you’ll arrive in time. 

It’s the most considerate, thoughtful act you can do for her. 

I felt guilty saying all of this because I know the pain and heartache of that door being shut.

I also know the freedom that follows. 

I can’t speak for my guy friend or the man I previously dated, but I have to believe they too find themselves feeling emotional discomfort knowing the can’t offer more while still showing up. I know I did when I’ve been on the other side. Dating someone with the preface of I can’t offer more but acting and treating it as if it was a relationship. Only it had an exit attached. 

I would find myself feeling like I was disappointing this person, questioning why they would want to keep showing up after I would decline their offer of more and navigating setting the wrong expectations. 

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In hindsight, I wish I would have honored my boundaries and both of us because all I did was take this person on an emotional roller coaster of “I love you, but don’t want you”.

It was utterly selfish. 

I believe there are people out there who don’t want more and honor that for themselves. I’ve dated them and can tell you the boundaries and expectations that they set ahead of time, are so firm and non-negotiable that your brain never goes there. 

I also believe there is a certain level of responsibility that the person on the receiving end has to take if they continue to pursue this person.

But the examples above are not that. The unavailable persons (myself included) are not setting clear boundaries, nor are they holding them. And it’s not up to other people to respect your boundaries, it’s up to you to hold them.

Ultimately, if you know you don’t want more, don’t behave like it.

I have been on three amazing dates with a guy and I’m not hearing from him. He has a toddler so it’s possible that he is super busy, but I want him to communicate with me! I hate not knowing how he feels, if he’s going to text back and if he wants to see me again. Do you have any insight you can share on what to expect when dating a person with young kids? — J

Dear J,

First, let me preface my advice by saying I do not speak on behalf of all parents. I’m only speaking for myself. I know this might bother my fellow single parents, but, as a single mother for a majority of the years raising my kids, I did everything in my power not to date someone with kids. Not because I wasn’t open to the idea, but more so because I was barely able to keep my head above water. Now, I didn’t have a co-parent taking my kids every other week, nor did I have family around. It really was just me, trying to manage our family life with their school and my work, plus maintaining a dating life — it was A LOT to manage.

When I look back, I often wonder how I was doing it all. I don’t think people without kids truly understand just how busy parents are. It’s not even because of a busy job they are choosing. The job of being a parent is choosing them. 

MORE: Ashley Kelsch Navigates the Highs and Lows of Co-Parenting

Sports, birthday parties, holidays, school events, doctors appointments, homework at the dinner table, dinner, showers and baths, friend dynamics, sleepovers, forced conversations with their friends’ parents, teachers and coaches. Your life is not yours when you are a parent. And even though some of these tasks slow down when your kids hit high school and develop some independence, mentally, a parent is preoccupied forever. For those of you without kids, you might be questioning having them right about now. (I’m not exactly making it sound like a fairytale.)

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Come to think of it, I actually did date someone with kids once. Mine were already out of the house, which made it easier for me to consider, but the main reason I said yes to it was because I found it attractive that he barely had time for me. He was either spending time with his kids on “his weekends” or working on his off-weekends. He would admit — and I can attest from personal experience as well — that people learning how to parent alone struggle in the beginning. Those tiny little tigers usually have their parents running circles for them. By the time “their weekend” is up or they drop them off at school after their week, these parents are left standing in a silent house wondering how to be single for the week. Yes, the idea of seeing people during that time sounds like the right thing to do, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. 

All of that said, J, here is my hot take: You’re not hearing from this guy because he is a good dad and you are lower on his priority list, and you should be. You just met. Three great dates is something to enjoy and relish in, but don’t make his priorities mean something personal about you, that you aren’t important to him or that he is uninterested in you. There is zero upside in thinking like that. 

What I would suggest is that you spend some time getting honest with yourself. Am I okay with not being first on the list of priorities, at least not for the foreseeable future? How do I feel about dating someone who may be unavailable every other weekend and not able to make plans on certain week nights? 

If you want to be the first and last thing on someone’s mind and don’t want anything or anyone competing for their attention, there’s nothing wrong with that. Or maybe, this situation of divided attention sounds awesome. It gives you both some space and autonomy. Decide for yourself how you want to feel about it. 

If you are open to dating someone with kids, consider going to them and communicating about how they think this relationship might look. Ask them what their parenting life looks like. Find out if their bandwidth is stretched. Do they like to introduce the kids early on or keep it separate until they know for sure they are in a relationship? What’s their relationship like with their ex? Do they co-parent well together? What might dating look like if you keep dating?

Now, I can’t speak for this man and say for sure that you aren’t hearing from him because he is busy with his toddler, BUT, I think it’s important that we spend a moment here. Your brain is doing what brains do on the subject of dating: it’s spinning out. You’re human!

Our brains are designed to keep us safe. Did you know the human brain is scanning for danger every six seconds? It’s looking for good and bad. Our brain is designed with what is called the Motivational Triad: Seek Pleasure, Avoid Discomfort, Be Efficient. Your brain wants safety. When we don’t have that, we worry and wonder, like you’re doing in this situation.

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But instead of spinning out, you can spend time figuring out what you can — YOU. 

Check in with how you are feeling. What do you hate about this situation? What is your brain making it mean? Stick with the facts. For example, say he called you back three days after your date. What are the thoughts you have about that? How do those thoughts make you feel? Remember, thoughts aren’t facts. They feel real and true, but they are always optional. What can you choose to believe about what’s happening that allows for you to be present and not stress about the future? 

MORE: Ashley Kelsch — Relationships are Hard, but Do They Have to Be

Tame your brain and direct it on what to think. Can you instead choose to think about the parts of dating him that you are enjoying? Think about the excitement that comes with the first few months of getting to know someone and having THAT feeling again — that rare feeling of lust and attraction that begs the question, “What’s going to happen next?”

J, I have to admit, many people reading this are reminiscing about that feeling we once experienced and sometimes long for again. 

I can’t wait to see what happens next while you stay present to the feelings of possibility, combined with all the juicy chemicals your brain is producing. Let’s face it, sometimes the idea of meeting someone is more exciting than them or the outcome. What if you just throw yourself into your own internal experience and allow for all of your feelings, while remembering this part is very, very temporary?

This is the unedited version. 

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After returning from visiting my Oma earlier in the month and hearing her talk about wanting to see both of my children sooner than later because she is convinced she is not going to be around much longer, I got inspired to bring my family to her for the holiday.

Which meant loading a minivan with (sang like the 12 Days of Christmas)

3 French Bulldogs,

Two young adults

And an Ex who has chosen to co-parent with me.

I called the trip Rage Against the Minivan mostly because that’s funny AF, but also because it was acknowledged by Pinkus (the infamous co-parent) and I as soon as we all loaded in the car that his driving or my navigation skills, still up for debate, was probably and continues to be the greatest unresolved fight and quite possibly the demise of our relationship.

There was a point at which I started meeting him at the kids sporting events because I couldn’t deal with what I’ll refer to as his road rage. Insert air quotes. He would insist that my sense of direction or lack thereof and criticisms of his driving (let’s call that objective commentary) are what cause his rage.

On it goes…

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On our final night in Santa Fe he and I were having dinner alone. Nick had returned to Austin to celebrate his 22nd birthday with friends, Faith was out with a fellow Parsons student who was from Santa Fe exploring the town. We were talking over delicious tacos, discussing the kids and plans to take my mothers ashes to Germany.

I paused and looked at him, ‘Thank you for doing this. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you spending your holidays with my Oma in Alamogordo and driving us.’

“Of course, mama. You and the kids are my family.”

His words are exemplified by his actions year after year.

On our drive home yesterday I finally got to take over the wheel. For that 1.5 hours I didn’t feel like we were going to die or compete in a drag race with the cars in front of us until he pleaded with me…

‘Please, please pull over. Every car is passing you.’

I said ‘It’s okay. Those cars alert the animals to stay off the road so it’s clear when I come.’

‘That only works if you keep up with those cars’, he said.

‘But there are more coming up from behind…’

‘Please pull over.’

So we traded his agitation in for my nervousness but then he agreed to go 5 mph slower to ease my nerves.

And this is how we are and how we do.

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I hear from many, many people in our lives how much they respect the relationship we have continued despite not being romantically involved. I’m grateful that my mind has expanded beyond the traditional relational constructs we have been offered.

They are so limiting and we miss out on what IS possible.

Below you will find the column along with a review that made my year so far as my writing is concerned.

“Ashley Kelsch Navigates the Highs and Lows of Co-Parenting”

FROM SUMMER, TRIBEZA DIGITAL

Tribeza’s dating and romance columnist Ashley Kelsch always offers a thoughtful and funny outlook when it comes to life and relationships, but this piece in particular stands out to me as one of our most compelling stories of the year. Detailing her unconventional parenting situation and family structure, Kelsch offers a valuable perspective on accepting the unpredictable things life throws at you and making difficult choices to benefit your loved ones. The story differs from our usual content, but still presents a look at the fascinating people and experiences that make up Austin. — Meher Qazilbash, Digital Editor

You can find their full list of favorites here